


I Want to Tell You So Many Lies

by jurdanhell



Category: The Folk of the Air - Holly Black
Genre: (the whole thing with balekin), Alternate Universe, Balekin Greenbriar - Freeform, F/M, Here we go, QoN - Freeform, Queen of nothing - Freeform, enjoy the ride, hi this is going to be an adventure for both of us, holly black - Freeform, i congratulate you, if this plot actually makes sense to you, jardan, jurdan - Freeform, on that note, tcp, the cruel prince - Freeform, the folk of the air, the wicked king, there's going to be mentions of abuse somewhere along the lines, twk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:35:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21626161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jurdanhell/pseuds/jurdanhell
Summary: AU not so different from canon where Cardan just doesn't know how to deal with his emotions.Cardan's the kid who actively works to keep himself out of the house, but for reasons totally different from most. Ever since he went to live with his older brother, Cardan began to adopt the cruelty his brother showed him. He, along with his group of friends, has a daring tendency to pick on a particular set of twins. One of which works to ignore it, while the other shows them up in every way she can. After all, if Jude Duarte cannot be better than them, she will be so much worse.
Relationships: Jude Duarte/Cardan Greenbriar
Comments: 56
Kudos: 156





	1. Chapter 1

Jude Duarte, along with her twin sister Taryn and older sister Vivi, fostered into Madoc's care, were moved into a neighbourhood with strange places and stranger people. At the age of seven, her parents were murdered and the sisters were uprooted and forced to make a new start. Instead, she was further forced to put up with constant teasing, and even more scolding from her foster mother, Oriana, for getting into fights. It wasn't until a few years later that she deemed them unworthy of her effort. Though, that had an exception, one that was specific to four kids who made her life a living Hell, more so than it already was. But that was ten years ago.

Jude and Taryn sat at lunch, Jude nose deep in her geometry homework that was due the next period, and Taryn, who sat quietly, attempting to avoid the confrontation that usually followed their lunch period. "Do you think they'll stop? Even for today? Maybe they got sick of it, sick of us. That's a good thing, you know," Taryn quipped, drawing Jude's attention away from her homework and to Taryn in its place. There was a moment of silence, between the two, before Jude's gaze drifted over her shoulder and into the dark eyes of the boy who was scowling at her two tables over.

"Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen," Jude said, gaze never leaving his. Taryn turned, following Jude's identical expression, mirroring the boy she was staring down. With that, Taryn waved a hand in front of her face and brought Jude back into the present. A smirk crossed the boy's face, and Jude felt nauseated. "What?" There was no way this was going to end well.

Taryn looked a little surprised at her twin's comment as if she couldn't understand what she was doing like she couldn't comprehend what had just happened. "Don't make eye contact with them!" Taryn scolds, all before her voice lowers into something closer to a whisper. "We don't need any more attention than we already get from them. They're nothing but trouble, and you cause enough on your own."

"Yeah, Jude. You cause problems all over the place." Jude turned around to see the voice's owner, only to find four instead of one, all holding their own and giving a hard look that easily said, 'just try me.'

"That's probably why Mommy and Daddy left you to the wolves," another chides in, and laughter follows. Their comments had turned a few heads, all-knowing what was likely to follow. Everyone was aware of Jude's ability to fight, and somehow, for some reason, none of the four took it at face value: Jude was not the kind of person to back down, and would take them all on at once if it meant the torment would stop. Stop. She just wanted it to stop. Her blood boiled, fury buried deep inside her, the same one that lingered for all those years, pushing her out of her comfort zone and into a strange place with strange people who looked like they could devour her if she let them. She didn't.

Jude stands, chair pushing back against the linoleum with a god-awful grating sound, which promptly gathered the rest of the lunch room's attention. All eyes were on her. However, it was his that caught her eye, and she felt herself stand a little taller, just to spite him. She turns and gives them all the same, loathing look. "Got something to say, or are you just going to count on your eyes to scream it for you?"

"Shut up, Cardan. You know very well what I want to say."

"Then why don't you? We're all eager to hear it."

"Oh, I would. But I wouldn't want to hurt what's left of your ego. After all, there are much worse things I could do to you. Would you prefer to lose a few teeth, or is a broken nose in better order?" Jude had had enough, but, apparently, that wasn't good enough. There wasn't enough force in her voice, as her attempts to push them away only drew them closer.

One with dark skin and an unnatural hue of blue hair took her by the chin and leaned close to her. "You can't talk to him like that." Her voice was raspy, and she wasn't in the mood to play games, not today.

"I may talk to him however I see fit." With that, Jude was dropped, and it was then that she realized she'd been standing on her toes to reach the girl's height, to look her in the eyes. She turned to leave, ever so clearly finished with the conversation when another boy grabbed a hold of her wrist.

"Not yet," he had said. His hair falling into his eyes, only to be brushed back behind his ear. "Not yet, Nicasia."

Anyone with half a brain would think to turn back around and sit down, to drop the fight and put it behind them. Because it wasn't worth it. Jude may be smart, but she was also angry. Angry at the world from taking her parents from her. Uprooting her from the only home she knew. Angry at Madoc for making her go to a school filled with stuck up kids who all thought they were better than her. Angry at Cardan and his friend group for their relentless teasing. At Cardan, for the sick feeling she received when their eyes met. The dangerous sweat that broke out on her palms whenever he stood too close. She didn't remember how to feel much else.

The only other friend on the group had locked eyes with Taryn, with whom he had been seemingly having a secret staring contest until Nicasia had snapped him out of it. With a light slap on the arm, gaze never wavering from Jude's deadly stare, there was only disbelief in her voice. "Can you believe her, Locke? She actually thinks she can talk to us like that." Us. Now instead of just the two of them, it was all four of them. Jude was so, so very dead. She turned her attention to the other boy, "Valerian?" Cardan's eyes never left Jude's and were alight with something familiar, something easily mistakable as its complete opposite.  _ Damn you, Jude. _

Did that stop her? No, of course not.

"Listen here, before I do something you and I will both regret," Jude starts, grabbing hold of Nicasia's collar and forcing her down to her level. "There is one thing in this world that you could possibly say to change my mind about you, but you'll never lower yourself that far. You and I both know it.

"So hear me." Jude's voice was firm, and she swears she sees Nicasia's eyes widen slightly at the finality of her tone. Trying not to lose her grip, to show them how shaken she was to the core, how terrified she was of them, she did one of the very few things she knew how to do. "You are going to walk away, and we're going to drop this. I have homework I need to finish, and I'm fairly certain you have butlers that are in need of paying. So let them do their job unless you'd like me to call the nurse ahead of time."

Now Jude was definitely screwed. She had threatened them, and everyone in the lunchroom had heard it. There was no taking it back now. You'd have to be blind to ignore the crowd that had gathered, circling around the group. At some point, Taryn had walked around the table, with Jude only noticing when a firm but gentle hand was placed on her shoulder. With this, she let go of Nicasia, who staggered back slightly before pulling herself together and composing herself into the formality she held previously. Obviously shaken, but overall undeterred by the threats that were just made toward her, Nicasia began to walk in the opposite direction. Locke and Valerian on her tail, the crowd parting for them naturally. No one gets in their way and sees it through.

Except maybe Jude.

Cardan never attempts to move, and something tugs at his lips which Jude quickly dismisses as a sneer. "Oh, Jude. Walking away would only flatter you," he's walking on thin ice. He slowly cups her face, leaving her no opportunity to look anywhere else but his eyes. Jude's eyes lit with something familiar to Cardan, a fire that burned in him as much as in her eyes. His expression only grew. "But what good would that do? It wouldn't serve you any help whatsoever, now, would it?" It wasn't a question. It didn't matter how it was phrased or how it was said, it wasn't a question. Jude knew that much.

And much to her displeasure, snickers floated throughout the gathered crowd until many were laughing. Jude's cheeks flooded with heat as her eyes scanned the people, lingering only for a moment upon noticing the three others had stopped, and finally catching on Taryn's. A mirror to her own, Jude saw nothing of herself reflected back in them. "Jude, please." There were so many things she would do for her sister. And this would be one of them if it weren't for the way Cardan was looking at her. If it weren't for the blood that continued to boil under her skin as comments similar to his own collected throughout those gathered around them.

Jude braced herself and was pleased when her fist made contact with his jaw.

There was a silence that Jude did not like after that. One that made her want to shrink up into a little ball as they all stood wide-eyed around them. No one would touch them, no one dared. And yet. And yet.

From his place on the floor, Cardan caught her gaze, something unreadable in her eyes. He stood, and without breaking eye contact, brought her close to him. Jude's stomach fluttered, her heart hammered in her chest and she felt sweat begin to collect in the palms of her hands. Cardan brought a hand to each of her arms, pinning her in place. Jude may have been able to break away, knowing several ways to get out of situations such as this, as from Madoc's teaching, of course. She never found out, however.

When he spoke, it was firm and soft in a way so uncharacteristic to Cardan that she thought she was dreaming. "If I were you," he leaned closer, lips dangerously close. "I wouldn't try that again." And with that, he let go of her.

Jude was shaken, but she would not give them the satisfaction of seeing that. Of seeing Jude in such a low, scary place. So, she gave them one of her hardest looks and hoped that it would be enough of a wall to bar her emotions. Maybe even enough of one to keep them from herself.

The bell rang, and the crowd departed. The twins were the last to leave the cafeteria, and when the did, they found themselves unable to confront what had happened to the other. And so, there was an uncomfortable silence that filled the space between them.

It followed them all the way home until Jude couldn't take it anymore. She was sick of the way Taryn could possibly be so composed even when Jude knew she was distressed. If she couldn't read her sister, no one could. Jude barged into Taryn's room to find her sitting on her bed brushing out her long, dark hair. She was about to start yelling, beginning the long-overdue confrontation, when Vivi burst in with a skip in her step. This quickly diffused the tension in the room, and even if it lingered, Vivi had enough cheer to go around twice.

"Guys, you'll never guess what happened today." There was way too much joy in her voice, at least for today.

"Jude got into a fight--" Taryn started.

"Taryn tried to stop me from fighting someone--" Jude began. To no avail, they started at the same time and the only part that came across to Vivi was the word "fight." With an exchanged glance between the two after their older sister had knowingly raised her eyebrows, even though her eyes demanded an explanation, they made a silent agreement to change the subject and discuss the fight another time, much to Jude's dismay.

"What happened?" Jude tried again.

Vivi was practically bouncing up and down until she pulled her phone out of her back pocket and produced a picture of her with an arm wrapped around a girl with pink hair. "Her name's Heather. I met her at a comic book shop down the road, and she's really cute." She couldn't seem to tear her attention away from the photo as she continued, "She gave me her number, although I haven't worked up the nerve to message her yet."

Taryn had started to say something but was promptly cut off by Madoc entering the room. As if there needed to be another reason for the subject to change, and yet another person to be drawn into it. "Dinner is ready, and we have some things we need to discuss." Jude felt that the last bit was directed at her, even though he had turned around, back to them as he had said it. He didn't stick around long enough to wait for a response, though the sisters knew better than to keep him waiting at the dinner table, especially when he had something to discuss. Taryn and Jude made quick work of making themselves semi-presentable for dinner, and Vivi seemed to make no effort at all. She didn't seem to mind the fact that their father was waiting on them, and was growing more impatient by the minute.

At the dinner table, things grew tense. With quick words of greeting, the twins took their places at the table, patiently waiting on Vivi as they do almost every night. A few more minutes had passed when Madoc had apparently decided it was a lost cause for the night, as he called for dinner. The table was set, and the food was brought in, just as Oriana had placed Oak, their brother, in his place and took her own.

A while into the dinner with no words said Jude dared to break it. Reluctantly, she brought up Madoc's words of parting from Taryn's bedroom. She didn't know another way to start a conversation, to break the silence that she was slowly drowning in. "Ah," was all he said for a moment. He took a drink from his glass, and then another. A moment to gather his thoughts, and then cleared his throat, as if finally ready to speak. "I heard of something that happened at your school today." Taryn and Jude exchanged a glance, a silent war breaking out over the dinner table between the two, something they had grown to be good at as the years progressed. "No, let me correct myself. I saw something that happened at your school today."

An unwelcome silence filled the air, something that had happened many times today, each time trying to drown Jude in her own thoughts. After all, it was the silence that allowed it. "What's that?" Taryn asked, breaking the silence again. Jude was grateful for it, but didn't dare to let her twin know.

"I was forwarded a video today, while I was at work. I wouldn't have given it much thought if Jude hadn't thrown such a good punch."

_ Fuck. _

"I can explain--" She tried, but it didn't matter.

"I would hope so, because you're going to need to. That, however, is a matter for later." He allowed a break in between his words, giving time for contemplation before he continued, "Because he's coming over for dinner tomorrow, and I expect you to be decent. Whether or not he deserved it isn't relevant, and this is non-negotiable."

Jude was stunned. This was the least of what she'd expected. Cardan. Here. In her house. With her dad. Oh, no.

There were only so many ways this could end, and none of them were good. She thought to herself for a moment, and her thoughts slipped into her imagining of herself strangling Cardan. That thought brought her a little too much pleasure. "Excuse me," was the only thing she said, as she made short work of ignoring Oriana's protests from the table as she turned the corner and darted to her room.

Today was insufferable, and tomorrow would be worse.

Running through her nightly routine as quickly as possible, she slipped into bed the first moment she got. Instead of tossing beneath the sheets, she found herself strangely slipping under the grasp of sleep much faster than she had in a very long time. She felt herself fade from the waking world, with her last conscious thoughts of Cardan.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun filtered through the curtains, pouring light in on Jude, to which she had then pulled a pillow over her face and drifted back into a dreamless sleep. What felt like moments later, there had been a weight dropped on her stomach. Yelping in response, Jude threw off the covers and pillows that covered her, only to find a person sitting on her stomach. "Oak?"

The toothy smile he wore only grew wider at the mention of his name, and he wrapped his arms around her neck. Prying him off of her, Jude had realized one thing through the sleepy haze that filled her brain: Oak was never up this early.

"What are you doing up?" She asked, looking him in the eyes as she made to stand. Oak only held her in place.

"What do you mean?" He said, brows knitting together in confusion.

"Why are you up so early, Oak? School doesn't start for another two hours for you." His confusion grew for a moment, before he erupted in laughter as if he'd just heard the best joke in the world.

"I'm not early," he says through giggles. "You're late!"

Late.

Jude was late.  _ Great. _

Throwing on the closest pair of jeans she could find and quickly rummaging through her closet for a decent t-shirt, she ran off into the bathroom to attempt at taming her hair, only to settle for tossing it up in a ponytail. She brushed her teeth and splashed cold water on her face. If she didn't feel tired, she definitely looked the part. Slipping on her shoes, Jude found the house empty of both her father and her twin. While she wouldn't have to put up with their scolding, she no longer had a ride to school. She could've sworn she'd seen Oriana on her way out the door, but she wasn't one to stop for pleasantries with, especially when you were running late and looked like you just rolled out of bed. She grabbed her bookbag and closed the door behind her.

Jude hadn't run as hard as she did for a long time, and at this moment, she regrets it. Jude reaches the building just as the bell marking the end of second-period rings. Today was going to be lovely.

After getting her late-slip from the office and a quick stop at her locker, she took her time getting to her third-period class. Jude's third-period chemistry teacher wasn't one for tardiness, but was also aware of how Jude was never late to his class. She liked chemistry. Jude didn't bother to knock, didn't care that her entry had interrupted a lesson, and was most certainly aware of the stares she received in protest for it. Shoving the slip into her teacher's hands, she takes her seat beside the ever-so-lovely Cardan Greenbriar, who gives her a look Jude doesn't know how to read. Heat floods her cheeks, and she bites her tongue to prevent herself from doing something she'd further regret. Jude was anything, if not impulsive. She did, however, know when not to be. This was not one of those times, no matter how badly she wished it was. She turned her attention to the lecture at the head of the class, making a point to ignore the black-haired boy sitting beside her, silently cursing the alphabetical seating.

Cardan's gaze ran over her features; the mess of her hair, the bags under her eyes, obviously thrown together outfit. "Losing sleep over me, are we?" It was the first thing anyone had said to her since she'd walked in the building, clearly having a bad day already. And from all people, it just had to be Cardan Greenbriar.

"Yes, most definitely. I spent my evening dreaming of your eyes staring into my own as you held me close to you." There's ice in her voice, even as low as she speaks so as to prevent someone else from overhearing her. This was meant for Cardan, and only for Cardan. "My favourite part of the dream, though," a wicked smile spreads across her face as she finally turns away from the lecture to face him. "Was when my fist connected with your face. It was so wonderful that I couldn't stop imagining it. It played over, and over in my head, and I just hoped that it would be real," her smile only grew. "Oh, wait." Jude's face falls slightly, smile faltering only for a second. She just hopes that her outward appearance is more composed than she feels on the inside. Her heart is running a mile a minute and her stomach is doing flips. Cardan could ruin her if she's not careful. He could have her in detention, or expelled, or humiliated in more ways than one. Not that that was anything new, of course. She managed to pick the corners of her mouth back up again, into something more twisted than before. She couldn't read Cardan's carefully blank expression.

He was quiet, after that. She took advantage of it and continued to take notes on a piece of scrap paper she pulled from a folder. Someone had tapped on Jude's shoulder from behind, to which she turned around with a look that could kill. Instead of being teased as she had so previously thought, she was asked about the lecture, something that she could understand the confusion with. As she turned fully to assist, she didn't notice how Cardan's gaze followed her, though she felt it. It was ignored. Upon turning back around to resume her notes, there had been a small flower doodled in the corner of her paper in black ink. She almost didn't notice it at first. She stole a glance in Cardan's direction, to which he did not meet her own. Instead, he had taken to scribbling down what Jude assumed was notes of his own. The thing about Cardan, though, was that he never took notes in chemistry. Jude turned back to the lecture sharply, taking fierce notes to cover the flush that flooded her face.

The next two class periods sped by, and before she knew it, it was lunch. Jude was late, and she didn't have lunch money. Jude was late, and she didn't think to bring a lunch. She found fifty cents and a granola bar buried in a small pocket of her backpack but knew better than to look further, knowing better than to disappoint herself further. She silently took her place beside Taryn and resumed the Geometry homework from yesterday. It remained unfinished after the fight, and she made no effort to turn it in. Today would have to do.

Taryn said nothing as she sat down beside her with nothing but a granola bar and her homework. Jude wished she would, the silence was becoming unbearable. She put all of her focus on her geometry homework, pretending like Taryn wasn't even there. There was a scuffle behind her, and Jude didn't give whoever it was the satisfaction of facing them. As a result, she received a rather harsh tap on the shoulder, one that she couldn't bring herself to ignore. Without turning, she stood up. Without turning, she spoke. "Unless you have a death wish, turn around, and go back to the hell hole you crawled out of." Jude's fists bawled at her sides, and taking a deep breath, she took her seat again. Today sucked, but she couldn't make this day any worse than it already was, she wouldn't let herself.

After a few snickers that Jude pretended she didn't hear, a voice piped up. "Come on, guys. She's not worth it." A scoff here, and another quiet remark there, and then receding footsteps. They must've decided he was right. Jude's homework was due next period and her geometry grade was more important to her than some stupid comments from stupider kids. Someone sat beside her, facing backward. She didn't give them her attention, but could see tell-tale red hair and unmistakable posture that just dripped in "I'm better than you and you know it." Lovely.

They cleared their throat. "I'm sorry, about my friends. That was stupid of them, and I couldn't talk them out of it." Jude shot him a glance, and he seemed to be looking at Taryn as he said it. She was about to dismiss it, and him, when he placed a hand on her shoulder. It was warm and it made Jude feel something unfamiliar to her. She didn't like it, but she didn't want it to end.

"Are you free this weekend? I'd like to take you to a movie tomorrow if you'd let me." He asked. It was gentle and unexpected, and Jude didn't know what to think of it. She glanced towards Taryn, once, twice, and finally looked her in the eyes. She gave Jude an encouraging nod, slight as it may have been.

"Sure." Was all Jude said, more of a whisper than anything. He smiled at her, and Jude's face flooded with heat, but she felt something other than hate as an accompaniment. It was a strange feeling, and Jude liked it. That, however, was the part that scared her. The corners of his mouth turned up, and he glanced again in Taryn's direction before standing. His hand trailed along Jude's back, from one shoulder to the other as he left. Taryn said nothing, but it looked as if she wanted to say everything. She managed a small smile in place of the silence, and Jude, not knowing what to do or how to properly return it, smiled back.

Madoc picked Taryn and Jude up at the end of the day, only giving Jude a once over as she climbed into the passenger seat. He didn't push the subject any further. The ride home was silent, and Jude couldn't take it anymore. She reached for the knob and turned on the radio. Ever so picky, she couldn't decide on a radio station until Madoc became frustrated and turned it off. "What has you so jumpy?" He asked, eyes never leaving the road. Jude didn't answer. She didn't know how and didn't think she should. Because if she opened her mouth now, she might never stop talking. And if she spilled everything, then she would have nothing. As much as she hated the emotions she kept to herself, she held on to them like her life depended on it.

As the car rolled to a stop, Jude jumped out, book bag in hand, before Madoc had a chance to put it in park. She had opened the door and was tearing off her shoes in the mudroom when Oriana caught her on the way to her room. "Don't forget, that boy is coming over for dinner tonight. I expect you to make yourself presentable, and to be a good host as well. Don't make a fool of yourself more than you already have." She finishes, takes a deep breath, smooths out her dress, and then steps aside for Jude to pass.

There were many things that Jude wanted to say to her, though none of it was productive. She stomped off toward her room, willing herself to do anything but slam the door. Sitting down on her bed, she pulled out the assignments she had, too many of them due the following day. An essay for her history class, two additional geometry worksheets, the paper she missed in chemistry, and an English assignment she can't bring herself to look at. Putting them in the order of what would take the longest, she begins to start her workload. The essay comes first, which takes her nearly an hour and a half to complete, followed by the geometry worksheets. She had promptly ignored the chemistry paper she was given, as she had missed the notes that morning that went over the terms of the paper, as well as skimmed the English assignment and discovered it wasn't as bad as she had previously thought. Halfway through the English assignment, there was a knock at her door. Pulling herself to her feet, she pulled her hair out of her ponytail and ran her fingers through it as she walked to the door. Opening it, she found the last person she wanted to see; Cardan. Jude was going to be sick.

"Oh, so the bedhead  _ isn't _ reserved just for school, it's an all-around thing, too. I see." Something pulled at his lips, but Jude couldn't read it. There was a quiet moment in between them as Cardan stood in the doorway, Jude blocking entry and giving him a scowl that, in her opinion, he so rightly deserved. "So, are you going to let me in, or am I going to need to turn tail and walk myself home?"

"Take a guess."

"I'm going to guess that because I was invited by your father, you're going to have to be nice to me. And it would be very unfortunate if you were locked in your room all evening just to avoid the one person whom you're being forced to confront, wouldn't it? After all, what do you have to hide? Is it your secret shrine of me?" There was something unrecognizable in his voice, and Jude couldn't help but wonder what game he was playing. Whatever it was, it was dangerous. "Jude I'm flattered, but--" Jude stepped aside.

Cardan was stilled by her motion, though he didn't let the shock that had settled over his face last. He pushed it deep down inside where he hoped to never find it again, along with various other things. Taking a step inside, he let his eyes wander to Jude's things. Her desk that was not being used by homework, and her bed that was covered in it. Her neat dresser, and the lights strung around the room. The candle that burnt on her nightstand making the whole room smell something like vanilla and the curtains that were pulled closed in a way Cardan guessed that they were never open. A few steps into her room, he stops and marvels at it all, without showing it on his face, if he can. It was a practiced blank expression that he wore often around Jude, he just wished he didn't have to. He turned back to Jude, who had closed the door and was on her way passed him. She crossed the room to the homework-covered bed where she resumed her place. Cardan took a seat just in front of the bed on the floor.

"You know there are about three other chairs you could pull over to sit on." Jude gestured to her desk chair, the stool that sat in front of the vanity, and the bean bag that sat in the corner. Cardan made no effort to get up to retrieve them.

"I'm good on the floor." Jude didn't push further. "So, what homework do you have left? It looks like you've been here for a minute." Cardan, who was still sitting on the floor, had turned to face Jude and her monstrous pile of work.

"Just some English and this chem paper. I'm almost done with the English." Cardan raised a brow at the mention of the chemistry assignment like he was surprised that she hadn't completed it already.

Cardan raised himself to his knees and rested his elbow on the bed. Jude spared him a glance and then turned her attention back to her English assignment. With as little movement possible, he turned her paper as to read it himself, gave it a once over, and tossed it onto the floor on the other side of the room.

"Hey!" In response to Jude's shouting, Cardan pulled out the chemistry paper that she'd been working to avoid.

In noticing its void of answers, he caved. "You don't have the notes, do you?" Jude met his eyes, which were previously trained on the assignment he tossed as she debated whether or not it was worth it to retrieve it. She shook her head.

As his gaze returned to the paper in his hand, Jude replied. "I don't suppose you do, though. Because that's just something you carry around. Unless you have them memorized. Oh, that'd be great. After all, it's not like you just threw my homework away." Cardan didn't look up as he replied.

"I didn't throw it away, it's right there." He gestured to the other side of the room, still not lifting his eyes from the paper. "And I can give you the answers to this if you want. But I know you won't take them."

"No, I won't."

"Then give me your hand." He puts the paper aside and pulls a pen out of his pocket.

"No, you're not writing on my arm."

"And why not?" Cardan places a hand over his heart, sporting a mocking, hurt expression. Jude rolls her eyes.

"Because," she pulls the pen from his hand. Before he can protest, she continues. "Oriana will make me wash whatever it is off before dinner, so it'd be pointless. Besides, I don't want to spend time scrubbing your ink stains off in the bathroom when I could be doing my homework."

"But you're not doing your homework." Jude was going to strangle him.

A sigh escaped her lips and she pressed a hand to her forehead as her fingers pinched the bridge of her nose. This was going to be a  _ long _ night.


	3. Chapter 3

Jude and Cardan had adjusted to the presence of each other; a physical sense, in the least. They both now lay on the bed, Jude in her pile of papers, and Cardan sprawled out taking up as much space as possible. He had gone over his memory of the notes to Jude twice, although she still didn't understand the new topics and was hardly any closer to finishing the paper. Jude was tired and suddenly became aware of the time as she glanced at the clock. Springing off the bed, she jumped to her closet and rummaged for something that looked decent enough to make herself suitable for dinner.

Jude settled on a plain, clean shirt with a denim jacket over the top and a pair of black jeans. Charging into the bathroom, she ignored the looks Cardan gave her, although he refused to ask questions. After a few minutes in her bathroom, Jude emerged looking slightly more presentable, with no help from the mess of her hair that sat lamely on her shoulders. From her vanity, she pulled a hairbrush and began to untangle it. Cardan remained silent but watched her curiously. He turned so he was half hanging off the bed, and liked the feeling of the blood rushing to his head. He just hoped the blush would hide the one that was already tinting his cheeks.

"What are you doing?" He finally asked. Jude sat down the hairbrush, grabbed a hair tie, and made her way back over to the bed where Cardan rested. She placed herself beside him, and he readjusted to the new weight on the bed, again. Sitting up now, he felt dizzy as the blood that had pooled left so suddenly.

"I'm trying to pull myself together. Dinner's going to be any minute now, and I need to look at least somewhat presentable. My hair's a mess though, so I thought I'd just braid it back out of my face." Jude said as she pushed her hair behind her ears. Cardan's only response was a hum as he shifted so he was behind her. Without thinking, he pulled her hair from her shoulders and began to work some complex braid that Jude wasn't sure she could comprehend. She stiffened at the sudden gesture, and wasn't quite sure how to react. Her breath caught in her throat every time his fingers brushed against her neck or graced the tips of her ears. He gently pulled parts of her hair so that it was looser. Jude's stomach did flips. She grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it down, down, down. Nothing about this was right. And yet, she didn't want him to stop.

When he had stopped for a moment, he held the tail of her braid in his hand and had ceased from moving altogether. It took Jude a moment to register that he had finished before she removed the tie from her wrist and handed it to him over her shoulder. She did one of the only things she was certain she knew how to do. She pretended that this was just some silly dream. She pretended that this wasn't real. She pretended that her stomach wasn't doing flips, that his hand didn't brush against hers when he took the tie from her, and she pretended that her skin didn't burn when he took his hand away. She pretended and pretended and pretended. She pretended that she hated the way he made her feel, that that was what she felt for him, hate. And she believed it.

As he finished tying her hair, his phone pinged. Jude couldn't move. No, she was frozen on the spot. Cardan's legs on either side of her and himself positioned behind her. Jude was trapped three ways from four and didn't seem to know how to stand. She could feel his weight shift as he pulled his phone from his pocket, could hear his soft tone as he whispered a curse under his breath. It was then that she remembered herself, and pulled herself to her feet and spun around in one fluid motion. Cardan also made to stand, before something crossed his face that Jude didn't quite understand.

It was almost something similar to pain that had painted his face, but he had hardly moved. He placed his hands on his knees to brace himself as he stood, and when he did, he nearly fell back onto the bed. Jude grabbed his arm and pulled him upright. This would've worked, had it not been for her overestimating Cardan's weight and tugging too hard, pulling him too-close-for-comfort to herself. Her eyes wandered to the slight bruise that had come upon his jaw, wondering how it was such a small bruise. She'd hit him pretty hard, and a small one such as so didn't make sense. It was then that she realized that he must've covered it. But why?

Cardan seemed to notice their proximity much faster than Jude, as she was staring at him and he couldn't help but fight the urge to close the space between them. No, no. Not Jude. Not now. No.

Instead, he wrapped an arm around her waist, forgetting himself and everything else entirely. All that was left was Jude. Jude, Jude, Jude.

A smile tugged at his lips, one that he couldn't push down. The same one that always found a way to his face when he was around Jude. She felt his hand against the small of her back, which seemed to snap her out of her trance. She blinked once, twice, and then shoved him in the chest in a desperate attempt to get him away from her. "Hey," Cardan chuckled through every word he said. "You're the one who pulled me so close, I was just playing the part."

"Yeah, the part of the fool." Jude corrected quietly as she had turned back to her vanity, looking anywhere else but Cardan.

"Ah, yes. But I play it well." His phone pinged again, and his smile faded altogether. There was no trace that it was ever even there. Jude turned at the sound his phone made and noticed his expression, now void of everything that was Cardan. The playful-ness, the teasing. Gone.

"Something wrong?"

No answer. That couldn't mean anything good. He quietly slipped his phone back into his pocket, a grimace crossing his face again only for a second, before being replaced with the ever so carefully blank expression he wore when he didn't want anyone to know anything. It worked, too. "No, nothing's wrong." Yet, he added under his breath. He wasn't sure if Jude heard, and Jude wasn't sure if she heard him correctly. "I can't stay, my brother needs me back at home."

"Oh." Jude didn't know what else to say. She should be glad he's leaving. Jude hates Cardan. She hates him so much it nauseates her. And he hates her, too. Right?

"Did you walk or did you drive? Or did Madoc pick you up?"

"I walked." He was already headed towards the door, stopping only once to pick up her English assignment that he'd tossed away earlier.

"Let me walk you home." Did Jude really just say that? Cardan's expression read that he couldn't believe it either.

He set the papers down on her vanity and turned back towards the door. "I'm capable of walking myself home, Jude dear." Jude was going to be sick. He did  _ not _ just call her  _ that. _

Cardan was down the hall speaking with Madoc, gesturing to the door by the time Jude caught up. There was a conversation Jude couldn't hear, which had ceased by the time she'd gotten there. Cardan glanced her way and then turned to the door.

Jude exchanged a glance with Madoc before heading to the door to catch up with Cardan, who was already on the porch. He’d stopped, allowing her to catch up. As she stepped onto the porch, she closed the front door behind her.

“You’re not walking me home.” Cardan wouldn’t look at her as he spoke.

“And why not?” And then he did.

“You’re not wearing shoes, Jude dear.” Something tugged at the corner of his mouth, but Jude wasn’t quite sure what it was. She brushed it off as something mocking, and as she’d glanced down at her own feet, ready to argue, she’d realized he was right. She didn’t argue that point. When she’d looked up again, Cardan was already halfway down the driveway.

Jude stepped onto the grass and charged towards him, silently grateful that their driveway was paved. Cardan stopped when she’d caught up, but he didn’t turn to look at her. He stared at something in the distance that he wasn’t even sure he could see. “Cardan—”

“No.”

“Listen to me.” Then he turned. He looked at her in a way that frightened Jude, but she knew better than to let that show. She straightened her back. She wouldn’t let him win. As she opened her mouth to speak again, Cardan cut her off.

“You’re not walking me home,” his tone was firm, and he was holding to his decision. As he spoke, he’d shoved her in the chest. “End of discussion.”

When he’d pulled away and turned to leave, Jude noticed the note he’d pressed against her. She wanted to slap him, to kick him, to scream and make him listen. But as she opened the folded piece of paper, she found her missed chemistry notes, written in heavy black ink. She looked up for Cardan again, but he was already gone.


	4. Chapter 4

"Shame that boy had to miss dinner," Oriana finally said, breaking the silence that blanketed the family heavily. Madoc hummed in agreement.

"I hoped to make something of amends between you two, although I'm aware that cannot be forced. Did anything productive come of tonight within the time he was here, Jude?" She choked on her water, swallowed, set the cup down, and contemplated how to answer that.

It was true that he had helped her with her homework, just as he had given her the chemistry notes she'd missed. Both of those things seemed very un-Cardan-like. But when things had seemed to start to be pieced back together (if it even ever was together, to begin with), he'd left. Said his brother needed him and refused to be pushed further. Jude felt like he was just making excuses because he probably was. That was just like Cardan. Finding any way to get what he wants, when he wants it. But, it was the rest of the evening that left Jude in wonder. Wonder in as to why he'd made the effort to begin with. As to why he felt the need to try, and why she let him.

"Well, uhm," she attempted to stall for time, her attempts at an answer only confused her more. "No, no not really." The answer was flat, and she silently prayed to whoever was listening that no one could see through her lie. When she finally braved looking Madoc in the eye, she couldn't read the expression he held. And although he ever so clearly wanted to push for answers, he didn't. Jude was grateful.

The rest of the dinner passed quickly in comparison, and after everyone had finished, they all went their separate ways. Jude was in her room, putting all of her focus into her chemistry assignment and the notes Cardan gave her (as well as the few she took that morning) when there was a knock at her door. Before Jude could call in response, or even ask who it was, the door opened. Vivi walked in and silently closed it behind her. Her face was unusually blank, and for Vivi, that was dangerous.

Jude silently sat up from where she lay on her bed but made no further effort to reach her. "So," she started. There was a pause as she carefully picked her words.

"So?"

"Cardan."

She wanted to just say no, to deny it all, and to deny her the satisfaction of this conversation. But, if she did, then she would only be proving Vivi right. If Vivi was going to play this game, then so was Jude. "What about him."

"He left."

"Are you sure?" Vivi side-eyed her sister as she moved to sit next to her. There was a playfulness to it, but it was one that frightened Jude. She wouldn't let Vivi win, either.

Vivi took a deep breath, glancing at the work scattered across the bed, eyes falling on Cardan's notes. "What'd you do to scare him off?"

"I threatened to rip his throat out with my teeth if he was going to have the nerve to be an asshole again." Vivi stifled a laugh and held a hand to her face to cover the smile that tugged at her lips. When she'd finally composed herself, she spoke.

"I don't know if you remember," Oh, no. If Vivi was going to make a recollection of something, then this is going to be one of  _ those _ conversations. "I used to be friends with Cardan." Here we go.

"Yeah, and then he became an asshole." Jude rolled her eyes, she didn't see how this could possibly go anywhere productive.

"No," she paused. "No, not exactly." Jude looked at her sister, silently asking her to continue, although she didn't think she could will herself to ask about Cardan verbally. "He just became really distant. It was strange. He was never really all that good at friends--"

"Because he's an asshole," Jude supplied.

Vivi promptly ignored her sister's interjection. "But he tried to be, in his own way. I don't think he knew."

"Knew, what?"

"How to have friends."

Vivi allowed Jude the cruel pleasure in sitting with those words. They sat silently for a minute before Vivi made to stand. She'd gotten to the door when she stopped again. "You're right, you know."

"About what? I'm right about a lot of things."

"He can most definitely be an asshole. But there's more to him than that, and you know it. He never let me see under his mask, and I never asked. But with you, he might." She made a gesture towards his notes, and suddenly Jude was aware of what she meant. No, no, no. This was all wrong. None of this was right, especially Vivi.

But, by the time she'd registered what Vivi had said, she was already gone down the hall, probably locked in her room for the night.

Jude took her time getting ready for bed, wishing to succumb to sleep the way she did the night prior. But as she put her homework away in her bag and slipped under the covers, she knew that wasn't going to happen. She stared blankly at the ceiling and resorted to doing something she used to do when she was very little. It was something her mother had told her to do, something that supposedly worked better than counting sheep. Jude breathed deeply, gathering herself, and imagined the stars littering her ceiling like they would the sky. She connected the dots of constellations in her mind, the ones her father had taught her. No, not Madoc. Her  _ father _ . Jude couldn't remember his name, and her memories of him were fuzzy, but she held tightly to the things that he'd taught her.

It took Jude what felt like hours to fall asleep as she restrained from tossing beneath the sheets; that would just shake her awake more. But when she finally slept, she woke up to her alarm in what seemed like seconds. Jude may have slept, but she didn't rest. She felt just as tired as she did when she went to sleep, if not even more so. She tried her best to pick out an outfit that said  _ don't fuck with me, _ but Jude had no idea how to read clothing, not like Taryn. She'd settled with a hoodie and a pair of skinny jeans. It'd seemed like an odd combination at first, but somehow, she made it work. She was going to tie her hair up in a bun, but after several failed attempts, she resorted to braiding it. She stuck with a French braid and tied the end off with the tie that was in her hair previously. It was then that last night came flooding back to her.

She'd spent hours on her homework. Cardan helped her. Cardan gave her notes. Cardan left. She felt strange about it, and her heart beat furiously in what she believed to be anger. Hatred. Anything that wasn't what it was. Jude was good at lying, especially to herself.

She'd set about gathering her things from school as she slipped on her shoes.

_ You're not wearing shoes, Jude dear. _

Her heart leaped in her throat, where it rebounded into her stomach and left her feeling disoriented in more ways than one. She brushed it off and set out to the car.

As she approached, she found Taryn waiting for her, although Madoc was nowhere in sight. "Jude," She heard her name, but it felt like whoever was saying it was far, far away from her. She bent down into the car to put her book bag somewhere for the ride. "Jude!" She snapped awake from whatever haze held her, and jerked around to respond, only to hit her head on the roof of the car. As she held a hand where she'd hit, she turned around to see Taryn with a wild look on her face. Her sundress blew in the wind, and sometimes Jude wondered how they were related, different as they were. Let alone imagine that they were twins.

"Jude, are you sick?"

"What? No, why would you think that?" As obvious as it should have been to her, Jude was completely clueless.

"Your cheeks are pink," Taryn said as if it were plain as day. Jude guessed it was. She brought a hand and delicately touched her face. "And you just seem really distant today." It was hard to lie to Taryn, she always knew when Jude was lying.

She wanted to look away, to duck away from Taryn's prying gaze and just hide beneath the sheets like the little girl she felt like. The one that was afraid of everything, including her own shadow. The one that lived inside her and never really went away. "Yeah, no, I'm fine." Jude refused to look away from her, that'd give her away. She forced herself to smile, forced herself to look like everything was okay. Forced herself to believe it. She did.

"I'm fine, just tired. I didn't sleep all that great last night and I guess it's showing." She brought the corners of her mouth up more, and she felt like she was baring fangs.

Taryn brushed it off, though. "Alright, then. Madoc said he'd be down in a minute, he just had to grab something from the house that he'd forgotten." Jude nodded in response, and somehow, she felt more flustered than before.

Jude aimed to forge something of a response when Madoc had called out from behind her. "Ready to go, Jude?" It wasn't a question. He'd leave her standing there in the driveway if she hadn't have nodded in answer as she climbed into the car. The car ride was silent, and it dug under Jude's skin and rooted in an uncomfortableness that Jude hated. She flipped on the radio and flitted through the stations, much to Madoc's annoyment. He kept quiet though, eyes glued to the road.

As they pulled up to the school, Jude and Taryn clambered out of the car and made a beeline to their lockers to make it to homeroom before the bell. Classes seemed to drag on that day, and she felt herself falling asleep in a few of them. As far as she knew, she hadn't. But she also knew that if she had, no one would dare wake her. Jude Duarte was not one to make angry.

By the time third period rolled around and she had turned in many of her assignments from the night previous, she'd sat down at her desk. A few minutes passed, and the bell rang. The seat next to Jude that was usually occupied with what she deeply believed to be an annoyance was vacant. Her chemistry teacher's lecture droned on, and she'd found herself having trouble focusing yet again. As she lazily scribbled down notes on the scrap piece of paper she'd acquired from yesterday's class, her attention was drawn to the small flower that had been doodled in the corner of her paper in black ink. Jude's gaze wandered to the empty seat beside her, and although she expected herself to feel something triumphant, she instead felt nothing. It was passed off as the tiredness that had plagued her all day.

As she continued scrawling her notes on the page, she became more and more distracted by the doodle in the corner of her paper. As she could hardly make herself pay attention anyway, she gave up on forcing herself to listen to a lesson she didn't understand and doodled a small meadow of flowers around the one in thick, black ink.

When lunch rolled around, Jude was as tired as ever. Taryn had disappeared into the crowded masses that was the lunchroom, leaving Jude alone. She wouldn't have minded the lack of her presence if it weren't for the stare she could feel drilling into the back of her skull. She bit her tongue and recited poetry in her head to keep herself from turning around and telling someone off. It was a half-assed attempt at best, but Taryn wasn't there to stop her, and she'd already gotten into one fight this week.

Maybe it was the change in the air due to her absence, but Jude's stomach twisted as she swallowed her lunch, trying to attract the least amount of attention possible without looking inconspicuous. That wasn't working either, but she was willing to pat herself on the back for trying. There was little that would stop her impulsive decisions, Taryn happened to be one of them. But then, Taryn wasn't here.

By the time Jude made to turn around, she found absolutely no one behind her, although the feeling of eyes boring into her skull never left. She scanned the room behind her, coming up with nothing when she felt her quick search to be satisfactory and relinquished her efforts of finding the ghost of a gaze that haunted her.

Facing forward again, she'd noticed the sudden appearance of another body beside her, which was strange, because Taryn was the only person willing to voluntarily sit with Jude. Sometimes Jude felt that it may have been out of pity; Taryn had no trouble making friends, and almost everyone loved her. Jude certainly did. But then, by the time she took her place beside Jude, all of the friendly demeanors disappeared like they were never there at all. Taryn may have been strange, but then you'd have to agree that Jude was stranger.

She didn't turn to look at who'd sat beside her but mentally noted that whoever it was, was sitting backward. Jude didn't have a lot of friends, and quite honestly sucked at making them. If she were a character in a book, or maybe someone in a Hallmark™ film, she'd say that having Taryn and Vivi was enough, and then someone would come along and sweep her off her feet to fill a lonely void in her chest that she didn't know she had.

The difference was, Jude knew she had an achingly empty void in her chest, one that yearned for something that she couldn't quite place. She also wasn't looking for anyone to sweep her off her feet; not that she'd let anyone get that close. If Jude was good at one thing, it was pissing people off.

"So," they drawled out from beside her, snapping Jude back into the present. She turned to look at them instinctively and found Locke to be the culprit. She expected her stomach to do flips, the ones Taryn had described in her short, almost pitiful, middle school crushes. Her cheeks didn't heat, her heart didn't flutter, nothing. Maybe it was the void.

"So?" She said, hoping to draw him to reveal whatever revelation he had planned. Jude couldn't tell whether or not the bait had worked, for, in return, all he did was smile.

Maybe ‘smile’ wasn't the right word. The corner of his mouth picked up, but it didn't reach his eyes, and he wasn't happy. No, he was curious. This wasn't anything like the smile she'd tugged out of Cardan.

"So, will you meet me at the theatre, or do I need to find you a ride?"  _ Find her a ride? _ What was this, a freshman carpool?

Instead of answering his question, all she did was raise a brow in turn. It seemed to satisfy him enough, even though she'd never answered. So, instead, he did so for her. "I'll meet you there, then. But I get to pick the film." Now Jude's stomach twisted. She wasn't sure why, there were plenty of reasons why it  _ should've, _ but not enough reasons why it did. When Taryn had described it, it was something that felt intriguing. It wasn't something that made you feel sick or pulled red flags in the back of your mind, no matter how desperately you wanted to push them down.

Maybe it was the echo of emptiness in her chest that had pushed her, or maybe it was something else entirely. It hadn't mattered, though. Because the plans had already been arranged, he'd already gotten up to leave, and she didn't have a single class with him to tell him otherwise.

She was about to track him down, find him and pin him to a wall until he'd explained his sudden interest. She would have, too, had it not been for the bell. The commotion from lunch only amplified, as students made their way to the exits that seemed to shrink with growing ranks of students that flanked the doorways. It was a slow shuffle, and there was always someone who felt entitled to shove their way to the front. It was curious, however, that it was never the same person twice.

Maybe they drew names from a hat.

As the last bell for the day rang, and everyone in the building trampled over one another to get to their lockers, Jude told Taryn to go ahead and go home, to tell Madoc that she was going to walk into town.  _ Window shopping, _ she'd said. That was a lie if there ever was one, and Madoc, who couldn't always see through her lies, caught that one immediately. He knew his daughter, loathe as she was to admit it sometimes. He'd dismissed it, though. Telling her she couldn't would only encourage her to do it more, whatever  _ it, _ was. Instead, he gave her a curfew, and offered to pick her up after she was done doing whatever, should she need it.

Oriana would never have agreed to this, never would have let Jude walk into town alone, especially while claiming to do something that was such a preposterous thought for her. She often didn't agree with the ways he'd decided to raise the girls, and as much as she'd like to believe she kept those thoughts of dissatisfaction to herself, if only to glance, she'd find it wrong. No one was happy whenever someone told her she was wrong, though, so they let her believe whatever she needed to.

Upon her arrival at the theatre, she'd acquired a slick layer of sweat beading on her forehead. She stood outside the entrance, leaning against its frame for fifteen minutes before she realized they'd never discussed a time. They'd hardly discussed the venture at all, and Jude felt foolish.

As tempted as she was to turn around and walk home as it was, she wanted to see this through. If anything, she was going to jab him in the throat for making her feel so inferior, but then immediately dismissed the thought. If she had, she'd let him win. And Jude couldn't have that. If he thought he was going to play games with her, with her feelings, then she could play the same game too,  _ and she'd win. _

Jude sat down at the corner where the entrance met the sidewalk and pulled her book bag beside her. Out of it, she took the violin that she carried with her. She wasn't sure why she did, considering there were no violin classes offered at her school, but it was an impulsive thing that she did habitually, and today, she was glad to have it. Glad to have a reason to stay. Because as much as she'd wanted to see this through, she didn't want the only reason for her staying there to be for Locke. In Jude's mind, that was just another way to let him win.

So instead, she took it out of the case and sat and played something soft and sweet to warm herself up. She hadn't played in a few days and wasn't quite sure if anyone she knew could remember that she knew how. The walls in the house were thick, and she never played it at school. It seemed strange, even to her, how the case fit inside her bookbag. Although to be fair, her sister had compared it to a suitcase once. Jude never took a lot of work home with her, fitting it into her study halls and somehow wrapping things up in class in matters that seemed supernatural.

When she'd deemed herself warmed up, she'd noticed the couple that had stopped to listen at the opposite side of the entrance. She looked between them for a moment and was uncomfortably reminded of how long it had been since she'd played in front of another person. She was compelled to just pack up her instrument and start her sulking walk back home, but she just couldn't make herself do it. Instead, she pulled the rosin out of the case and slid it along the bow.

Her gaze drifted to the concrete of the sidewalk in front of her, as she'd picked up the bow again and started to play something soft. It gradually became more complicated, and at some point, Jude's eyes had closed. She was unaware of the crowd she drew, completely absorbed in the melody that escaped her fingers. It was something old that she played, something she'd learned about a year ago. It wasn't an easy song, but she didn't find it complex either. Of all things, Jude was wary that she didn't remember the measures, that a note would escape her and she'd crash and burn. She may not have remembered, but her fingers certainly did.

A fire lit in her stomach, and she felt herself pick up the pace. Jude forced her eyes open and was shocked to see the number of people that had gathered around her. Instead of feeling like a shell in front of all of these people, Jude felt a little more like herself. A little more like a person was supposed to feel when they were happy. Jude could hardly remember what that was like. The violin was a present from her mother all those years ago, and she was sure that Taryn had thought she'd stopped playing for good after they came to live with Madoc. It didn't matter though. She didn't work to keep it a secret, and she knew deep down that no one cared that she was actually good at something. That she had talent other than pissing people off.

Two younger children, presumably siblings, danced strangely in a circle in front of her. Some had pulled out video cameras, others took pictures. Her eyes never left the kids, though. The older one, who wasn't so by much more than a few years, had chocolate stains around his mouth, and what Jude imagined to be sticky fingers. She watched them continue to dance their strange dance, moving in the way that only children do. The corners of her mouth perked up slightly, and instead of swallowing the small bubble of laughter that erupted her at their strange, erratic movements, she let it come.

When she'd decided that she was finished with the tune, the one that still had many measures left, she held out her dictated ending note, pulling the bow along the string in an exaggeration to show she was finished. She'd grown tired of it and wanted to play something else. Something where she could move her fingers just a little faster. Something where she could expel the anger she held for Locke, for Taryn, and for Madoc. But mostly, for herself. 

When she rested the bow across her lap, she was greeted with applause that she didn't feel was necessary. It was no beginner's tune, but it wasn't what Jude deemed complicated. It was jarring, to hear that and be able to own it entirely for herself. Although, it wasn't nearly as jarring as the voice that called out from beside her, one that felt extremely too close, despite the distance in their proximity.

"Jude?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I died a little; I'm going through some stuff :(
> 
> I can't promise consistent updates right now, but thank you for being patient with me!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey folks! quick **TW:** there is a mild description of **dissociation** towards the end, and i wanted everyone to be aware before they got into this chapter. i know this isn’t applicable to everyone, but sometimes it just helps to be aware. Please put your mental health first & either don’t read this chapter or skip the last 10-11 paragraphs. they’re relatively short, but the last paragraph is safe to read & should still keep enough context to aid with the next chapter’s entry. take care of yourself! <3 :)

_ "Jude?" _

She turned to meet his eye, saw him standing at the edge of the crowd. He couldn't have been more than ten feet away, but he felt so much closer. It made her blood boil. Jude would be lying if she said that she hadn't stared at him, not dissimilar to the way cats watch field mice. But, lying wasn't unusual for Jude.

"What are you doing here?" She said, hot and short. Jude watched Cardan's expression shift to a carefully neutral expression, one that made her ever so slightly uneasy. Perhaps it was just that she couldn't read him, or maybe it was the look in his eyes; something intense and hateful, a feeling only Cardan could give her. Jude's grip tightened on the bow in her hand, and she was distantly aware of the stress she was putting on it.

"What am I doing here? What are  _ you  _ doing here?" Cardan said, raising a single black brow. The crowd slowly dissipated at the end to her song, spectators resuming their walk in the streets.

"Well, let's review." She turns and faces the theatre behind her, gesturing to the entrance with her bow. Then, turning back around to face Cardan, she gestures to the violin in her other hand while holding his gaze. "Oh, I don't know. Why don't you tell me? What  _ am  _ I doing here?"

Cardan rolls his eyes in response, then takes two strangely measured steps to meet her and slides against the wall so he's sitting next to her. "I didn't know you knew how to sit on the ground," Jude says, raising a brow in turn. "Where were you today?"

"I wasn't at school, but it seems you've already figured that much out."

"Yes, well, the clouds lifted and I could feel the sun on my face even after I walked through the doors. Really, though. Where were you?"

"Does it bother you? Not knowing? Because I can tell you about a dozen other things I know you'd rather know about than my location when I'm not holding your hand." He stared off into the distance, somewhere across the street. Jude followed his trail of vision, but came up empty as to why it would amuse him to stare at a magazine stand.

"Holding my hand?" She scoffs. "Yeah, right."

"Oh, I don't know," he says, finally turning to meet her eye. "I hear you quite like to dance with danger."

Jude fights the urge to turn up the corners of her mouth. He's baiting her, and she knows it. She won't give him the satisfaction of giving him what he wants; he can't hurt her if she doesn't let him.

"Of course  _ you  _ would hear that," Jude said. "You just happen to hear what you think other people want to hear." She paused. "Do you know how absolutely awful you are?"

"Dunno, do  _ you  _ know how absolutely terrible you are?"

"No, tell me."

Cardan sighs something strange and dropped her gaze, turning back to the magazines. "I cannot." There was a pause, and as the silence grew, Cardan seemed to realize just how close he'd sat to Jude. And as tempted as he was to move further down the pavement, he couldn't will himself to do it. "How do you play that thing, anyway?"

"This?" Jude said, holding up the violin in question. In response, he gave a curt nod. She brought it up to her chin and held out a long note, slowly dragging the bow along one of the strings. She worked her fingers slowly, bringing out slow, melodic notes. She felt Cardan's eyes rake over her, or maybe he was just watching her fingers dance over the strings. She had to admit that she was making it up as she went, but that didn't mean she was ever going to vocalize it. She brought out a low note, drawing the bow back towards herself and brought the violin down from her chin. Jude inspected the small tufts of grass poking out of the pavement in front of her before facing Cardan again. This time, she held it out to him. Cardan raised a single brow, honest disbelief plain on his face. Without knowing what to say or how to better reply, he made to take the instrument from her hands. She jerked back quickly, pulling it close to her chest. "Break my violin, I break your face."

Cardan nodded, "Loud and clear," he'd said. He made his best attempt to copy Jude's form and brought the bow to the strings. A horrible, awful noise seemed to scream from the violin, and Cardan squeezed his eyes shut as if that somehow would've made it better. Jude had hardly flinched at all, almost as though she was expecting it. Instead, however, she gently reached over and corrected him. She adjusted where his chin met the violin and how he held the bow and Cardan pretended like this was perfectly normal: for the girl he's supposed to hate to help him play her instrument on the ground outside of a movie theatre. Yeah, this was normal. This was fine. And as it turns out, Cardan's plenty good at pretending, too.

When he brought the bow back to the strings the sound that erupted wasn't much better than his previous attempt. He was ready to give up, to save his ears from the horrible screeching and Jude's own. But, she just leaned over and corrected him again, as though it were normal for her to not hate every fiber of his being with her own, as if she hadn't punched him and bruised his jaw, as if there was never really anything bad between them at all. Maybe Jude had been pretending all the wrong things away. Maybe Cardan had, too.

Jude showed him how to drag the bow across the strings of the violin, explained to him that  _ the violin played itself, _ whatever the Hell that meant.

He ensured his touch on the strings was much lighter, and Jude thought for a moment that maybe, just maybe, that what he played could actually be considered a note. Maybe.

"Press down on the strings along the neck, it'll change the pitch." Cardan did as he was told, gently pushing down and changing a high note into a higher, sharper one. He tried switching strings as he'd seen Jude do, and was almost regretful at the sounds that erupted. When he decided that any reward he could possibly reap from these efforts wasn't worth the embarrassment he'd first have to endure, he shoved the violin back into Jude's chest.

"Giving up so soon?" Jude teased, taking the instrument back from him. Cardan pretended his cheeks didn't flush when her fingers brushed against his own, and Jude pretended she didn't see it. Jude's phone buzzed, and she pulled it out of her pocket as she rested her violin across her lap.

"Something wrong?"

"No," Jude said. "No, it's just a text from Madoc, it's fine."

"Don't you need to reply?"

"Probably, but I'm not going to." Cardan gave her a questioning look, but when Jude dismissed him again he dropped it. "You said I liked to dance with danger?"

"No, I said that I  _ heard  _ you liked to dance with danger, I never said you did. Why do you ask?"

Jude stood and tucked her phone back into her back pocket. She brought her violin back up to her chin and played a low note. "Depending on who you ask, I hear you're quite dangerous."

"And who are you asking?"

"Who says I'm asking?"

Jude's low note turned sharp as she worked her fingers over the strings, something built quickly as she held Cardan's gaze. He stood, too. Making sure to keep a respectable distance, unlike when he'd sat so close to her on the concrete.

A few more people stopped as her notes became hurried, they clapped in time, and Cardan realized her challenge, even if no one else did. "Really?" He'd said, and Jude did little else than nod.  _ Fine,  _ he'd mouthed. If Jude wants to play games, Cardan can play them too.

With little thought, Cardan took Jude's elbow from beneath the violin and spun her around. He caught her arm and pulled her to a stop before leading her through a set of steps that were beyond unfamiliar to her. Jude stumbled through each of them, trying to keep her focus on the steps without a falter in her tune. The steps Cardan led her through were simple, but that didn't mean Jude knew what she was doing. When he realized this, He repeated the same steps he had before, pulling her along with him.

Jude took this cue to stop focusing on the steps and, more frighteningly, trust him. She knew she was going to regret it, but she got herself into this mess. So, she dropped the tension between her shoulders, took her eyes off her feet, and sped up. A question arose in her head that she wanted to ask Cardan, and as much as it was the place to ask, she couldn't catch her breath long enough to form the words.  _ You started this dance, so, exactly which one of us is danger, now? _

It was almost like Cardan read her mind when he drew a questioning look. Maybe Jude let something slip, maybe he just read her expression. She wouldn't let herself admit that it could even be a possibility that he knew how to read her. Not when even her own twin sister couldn't. Of all people, not Cardan Greenbriar.

Everything blurred around her, and perhaps it was just the adrenaline, but Jude felt something she wasn't sure she'd ever felt before. It wasn't like a flutter of laughter or a prick of anger, even. It wasn't short and sweet, it was sharp and prominent and it couldn't seem to put it down. The part that scared her, though, was that she didn't want to. Whatever this was,  _ damned it all, _ made her feel lighter, happier. Whatever twisted inside her like it wanted to make her its new home made her feel _ alive. _

How long had they been here? How long had they sat on the concrete, a familiar banter between them? Why was it different? What changed? Why did she care? What was this feeling, and  _ why  _ did she like it?

Jude pushed the questions to the back of her mind and tried to bury them the best she could. She knew that whatever this was wasn't going to last, but that didn't mean she couldn't enjoy it now, right?

She had hardly noticed when they'd spun to a stop. She felt like she was still spinning. Claps and laughter melted together as her vision swam. She vaguely recognized people surrounding them, but the one, solid thing that cut through everything else was the deep, soft chuckle that couldn't be from anyone other than Cardan. No one else was close enough. That was also definitely the reason that she heard him through everything else. It was absolutely, undoubtedly, most definitely the reason. There was no other option. No other reason. Nope. None. Nada. Zip, zilch, and zero other possibilities. That's it. Final answer.

When she caught her breath again, she also caught herself smiling. She couldn't believe that she'd let herself do that, let Cardan spin her around in the streets. Trusted him to do that. But, he hadn't done anything, had he? If she'd said no, told him not to, would he still have done it? Even just to piss her off? What was the point, what was his goal? What could he possibly achieve from twirling Jude in the streets while she played from a violin?

They were alone again, and Jude was so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she wasn't sure just how long it had been like that. Her leg itched, and sure that something was crawling at her, she swiped at the back of her calf.

"Got an itch? Maybe it's lice." Cardan's voice cut through any thoughts she was still debating over involving him.

"Ha, no. I thought it was your tail sweeping across the back of my leg and I wanted to make sure that's what it was so I could step on it." She said, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible.

"My tail? What, do you have a kink?" He earned a scowl from Jude, one she felt was rightful in every way. "My more concerning thought, though, is why you find the need to tell  _ me  _ of your kinks."

"Well, you seemed to notice my bed head well enough, I thought I might make your fantasies a little more realistic. But I suppose if I'd wanted to make them more realistic I should've just told you off from the start."

"Yes, well, I do not appreciate being led on."

"But I didn't lead you on. You never asked, and I just never said 'no.'" Cardan nodded, then held his hands up in surrender.

"I suppose you're right. You didn't lead me on. But then, if you had such an undying urge to tell me off from the start about my unrealistic fantasies that you claim I have, then why didn't you just do that from the beginning."

"I like to play with my food before I eat it," Jude said, taking a dangerous step towards him. She wasn't sure she was thinking clearly, if at all. She hated this. The way her stomach turned, the way she wanted to turn tail and run. She wasn't afraid of him, she wouldn't be. She wouldn't let herself give up that fact, either. "Besides, I don't hear you denying your fantasies."

The corners of Cardan's mouth turned up, and when Cardan realized that Jude had noticed, it only grew. "Ah, well," he said. "I'm no liar."

Jude knew that whatever it was she did next would be a bad idea, partly because she wanted it and partly because she knew that she couldn't have it. But, she wasn't thinking. Or maybe she was thinking too much. Perhaps that's what kept her frozen to the spot, ice crawling up her veins and freezing her in every brutal way it knew. Fogging her mind like a drug that she couldn't help but want more of.

Cardan tilted his head to the side, taking Jude's freezer burn as a sign to step back. It was one thing to give a playful push, but it was another thing when they didn't play back. When she still remained frozen in place, eyes trained somewhere Cardan couldn't be sure of, he waved a hand in front of her face. Tempted as he was to place a hand on her shoulder and guide her to sit down, he didn't. He wasn't sure what Jude wanted, but he certainly knew that Jude wouldn't want him to touch her.

She blinked once, twice. It wasn't like a gentle snap back to reality, either. It was like someone slammed her into a wall and deprived her of her thoughts. It was like she forgot how to breathe. Had someone said her name?

Cardan had, she thought. Cardan.  _ Cardan  _ had said her name. Why was he saying her name? How long had she spaced out? "Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?"

Jude blinked again, hoping that that would somehow make sense of the jumble of words.  _ No, _ she'd said. The problem was she couldn't remember if she'd said it aloud or not. She said it again just in case. "No, I'm fine. I just blue-screened. I'm okay."

Whatever look Cardan gave her told her that he didn't believe a word of it, but he wasn't willing to push Jude any further. Not when she was dazed. Not like this. He decided to change the topic, instead.

"So, you never did tell me.”

"Tell you what?" Jude said, coming back to herself piece by piece.

"What are you doing here?"

The question seemed to throw Jude through a loop. She looked around like she couldn't be sure where she was. Her mind distantly registered a magazine rack and her book bag. She felt the weight of the violin in her hand again and wondered if it had really been there the whole time. Her eyes caught the entrance to the theatre behind Cardan and she could feel her face go slack. She covered it up the best she could, holding a careful, neutral expression all the while.

"I've been stood up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long,,,
> 
> My mental health sucks and I'm trying to make sure that I don't relapse further than I have, but maybe writing will help with all this extra time I have now. I guess we'll find out
> 
> The song that played in my head that Jude plays in this chapter is _Devlin’s Jig/The Trip To Bantry/The Hawthorne Hedge_ by Open House


	6. Chapter 6

_“I’ve been stood up.”_

Cardan paused, unsure of how to continue, unwilling to let his expression deceive him. “What do you mean?”

“I _mean_ I had a date, and no one showed up,” Jude said, turning to face him.

“Well, what time was your date? Maybe they’re just late.”

Jude’s face fell, any anger she held against Locke dissipated as the disappointment she held for herself grew. She didn’t want to admit it, that she was foolish to even accept it. But she especially didn’t want to admit it to Cardan Greenbriar. “What’s it matter? He’s not here.”

“Well,” Cardan said. “It’d suck for the reason for you to give up and go home to be because your date was a no-show.”

“What exactly am I supposed to do? Dance in the streets some more?” Jude said. She could feel the heat rise in her voice, and she could recognize that she was expelling it onto Cardan. It wasn’t exactly that he didn’t deserve it, but he wasn’t the one Jude wanted to gut. The revelation sends chills down her spine as she shakes her head to herself in disbelief. Cardan hums, and for a moment looks off into the distance as if in deep thought. “Don’t hurt yourself, brainiac.”

Cardan turns back to her expressionless and Jude realizes any attempts to read him would be futile; his expression is well-practiced. He keeps his face as neutral as possible and asks Jude one question she absolutely never thought she’d hear from him. “Do you want to go see a movie?”

Jude raises a single brow, incredulity written clearly on her face. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

“No, I’m asking you if you want to see a movie. We’re ten feet from the theatre and it’d be a shame if you left solely because whatever guy asked you on a date was stupid enough to stand you up.” That… was not the response she’d expected from her teasing.

“I don’t think I can sit still for two hours right now. Not without white-knuckling the armrests and biting my lip until it bleeds.” Jude said, putting her violin away. She slid the bow back in place and tucked the rosin away in its little compartment before stuffing the whole thing back in her book bag and swinging it across her shoulder. She pushed past Cardan and continued down the street.

“Wait, where are you going? Did you _walk_ into town?” Cardan said, taking long strides to catch up to her. He kept pace with Jude as she walked briskly down the street.

“I told my family I was going window shopping--”

“And they believed that?” Cardan interrupted, coming to a sharp halt on the sidewalk. Jude sighed, and the stopped walking altogether as well.

“No, probably not,” she said, turning back to him. “But it still wouldn’t look all that great if I came back empty-handed. So if nothing else, I’m going to buy a big bag of chips to drown my remorse in while I wash the remainder of my pride away. It’s not like I have anything left to lose, anyway.” She turned back around and kept walking.

Jude didn’t think Cardan knew how to reply to that, his expression slack and void of emotion. Good, she thought. Her mind was buzzing with about a dozen reasons as to why she was glad to leave Cardan there on the streets, and then she was thinking about a dozen reasons why she wasn’t. He hurt her, humiliated her, but he’d also helped her with her chemistry homework, _took notes for her_ , helped her with her hair. Hell, _he danced with her_. Jude’s thoughts were sharply interrupted with a hand on her shoulder, but she didn’t stop walking; instead, she pulled whoever it was along with her as she walked. Maybe they’d trip and eat pavement. Maybe that was too much to hope for.

“Hey, wait. Hold on.” Cardan said, removing his hand from her shoulder.

“What do you want, Cardan?” Jude said, refusing to stop or turn around again. There was ice in her voice that she hadn’t meant to have, but that didn’t mean she was disappointed to have it.

Cardan took her pace again, taking one step for every two of hers. “Why would you bother drowning your remorse in a bag of chips--”

“When I could have ice cream? Damn, I knew there was a reason I hadn’t told you to leave me alone yet.”

“No, listen. Why would you go through all that effort when you could do something else fun instead? Why would you mope over someone who doesn’t want you back?” Like he had so much room to talk.

Jude stopped walking, then. She was watching something off in the distance and then decided that the flowers poking through the cracks in the pavement were so much more interesting. “Look, you told your family you were going window shopping, right?” Jude crossed her arms and faced him. “Well, let’s go window shopping. Then you don’t have to lie to your family or mope over someone who clearly can’t get his priorities straight.”

“Fine. But first, you have to tell me one thing.” Jude said, readjusting the strap of her book bag on her shoulder. Cardan raised his eyebrows, and Jude took this as a sign to continue. “You have to tell me why you care. Why now, why at all.”

Cardan was quiet, and Jude had to admit that his silence was refreshing. But that also meant that she wasn’t going to get an answer, and that wasn’t helpful either. “Well?” She pushed. “You seemed to have so much to say just a few moments ago, what happened? Cat got your tongue? Did you step on your tail?”

“What makes you think I care? What makes you so sure it's not just because I want to be the one to break you?”

“Because you would’ve done it already. Is that all the answer I’m going to get?” Cardan averted his eyes and nodded slightly. Jude sighed and then resumed her walk. “Are you coming?”

They walked in silence, and it was strange. To be in each others’ company and have no remarks between them. To have no fight, no fuel. To have no reason to start a fire.

“Here,” Cardan said, gesturing to a store beside them. It looked oddly run-down for resting on one of the main streets of town, and needed a new coat of paint. The windows looked fairly clean, but there wasn’t anything in them. An _Open_ sign hung in the door, and Jude had turned to ask Cardan if he was serious. But, by the time she had, he had already walked around her and was holding the door open.

“Really?” Jude said, remarking his odd gesture.

Cardan shrugged before replying, “Well, it felt strange to stand and wait for you to make up your mind, so I made it up for you. Now,” he said, making an elaborate bow and gesturing inside with his free hand. “After you.”

Jude sighed, silently wondering what she got herself into, if she could escape it, and the odds of Cardan murdering her on her way home. He _did_ know where she lived now.

Stepping over the threshold of the strange shop, Jude found that she had sorely misjudged the exterior. The interior was hardly any better. The wooden floors needed polished, the walls looked like they could give you splinters from looking at them, and the paint on the far accent wall was far past peeling off. Contrasting this, though, was several lights hanging from the ceiling illuminating the shop with a warm, yellow glow. There were racks pushed against the wall overflowing with clothing, sewing machines in the back, and a rack that closed over a good portion of the wall completely covered in spools of thread.

“ _Cat got your tongue?_ ” Cardan asked, tossing Jude’s words back at her. She wasn’t expecting the building to charm her in the way it had, to say the least.

“Very funny. What are we doing here, exactly?” Cardan walked over to a rack on the wall, pulling out several hangers.

“Shopping.” He said, holding various garments up. He handed three of them to Jude before turning back to the rack.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I know it might be hard for you to comprehend, the idea of buying new clothes. But it isn’t as absurd as it seems.” He hands another hanger to her and retrieves two from her hands before placing them back on the rack.

Jude looks at the clothing in her hands and glances back up at Cardan, who is completely absorbed in his task. Whatever it was. Without another thought, she drops the clothing on the ground and crosses her arms. Cardan doesn’t spare her a glance, but pulls out a jean jacket and folds it over his arm. When he turns around, he picks up the clothing before meeting Jude’s eyes. He turns sharply on his heel and walks to the back of the room. Jude follows, reluctantly, deciding that she, unfortunately, has nothing better to do.

When she reaches the back of the room where Cardan stands, he’s holding yet another door open, seemingly waiting for Jude to walk inside. Instead, she crosses her arms. Cardan sighs and hands her the clothing again. She isn’t sure why she takes it, or why she’s even in the shop, to begin with. But she is, and as she determined moments ago, she has nothing better to do. No excuse to give him. No real reason to leave. That was the infuriating part. So, with no better options, she takes the clothing and closes the door behind her.

She can hear Cardan talking with someone on the other side, but it’s too muffled for her to determine even what’s being discussed. She looks at the clothing in her hands for the first time, turning them over in her hands, feeling the fabric. It was strange, how something so nice could end up in a place so rough. But in contrast, that wasn’t too uncommon, was it?

So, she slipped into the clothing that Cardan had handed her before she could change her mind again. There was a pale cream sundress with bright yellow sunflowers patterned across it and a dark pair of leggings. It paired well with her black Converse in ways that it probably shouldn’t have, but she wasn’t exactly complaining. She looked at herself in the mirror, hard. She didn’t _not_ like what she saw, but she thought maybe she liked it just a little too much. The thought that Cardan had done this sent her into a panic mode, and, in a wild frenzy, she texted Vivi.

_Need your help._

**What’s wrong? Are you running from the cops or are you running from Madoc?**

She had decidedly made the wrong choice in texting Vivi.

**Jude?**

_Neither. I’m with Cardan._

**Oh, that it explains it all, then. You don’t need my help.**

_I think I do._

**Why? Are you in trouble?**

_No, I’m in a clothing shop._

**Okay, so what exactly is the problem?**

_He gave me clothes to try on. I feel weird._

**What kind of clothes? What kind of weird? Like, upset stomach weird or danger weird?**

_A sundress. More like the upset stomach weird. I think I’m going to get sick. Or have an aneurysm._

**An aneurysm? Let me guess: rapid heartbeat, weak feeling, chills, that kind of thing?**

_Yeah, how’d you know?_

**You’re fine. Just breathe, Jude. And don’t die, that won’t help your case.**

Thank you, Vivi. _Super_ helpful.

Jude wasn’t sure just how long she’d been in the changing room, only that if she was in there for too much longer Cardan would come looking. Or maybe he’d just left. Jude hoped for the latter.

With nothing else to distract herself, she opened the door. Cardan was talking to someone behind the counter when she opened the door. She played with the hem of her dress, unsure of what exactly she was supposed to do now. She caught the sight of Cardan’s feet, distracted while staring at her own.

“Jude?” She looked up at him, and when she couldn’t read his look decided she’d gone far too long without making a witty retort.

“Can I help you?” Not the best, but it gave her something to work with.

“Maybe. Do the clothes fit?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Because it’d be a shame if they didn’t. They didn’t look that great on the rack.” Exactly what game was he playing?

“Get your clothes,” He said, then asked the person behind the register for another bag.

When Jude turned back around, clothing in hand, Cardan held out a bag for her to stuff them into. When she did, she reached out to take the bag from his hand, but Cardan pulled the bag with her clothes in it and held out another one. She was hesitant to take the bag.

“Don’t open it until you get home,” he said. Then took her book bag from the changing room where she left it and put the bag of clothes inside. He wasn’t sure how it all fit either. It was like it was made of magic, the way her bag fit everything. He picked it up and slung it over his shoulder before turning and walking out the door.

Jude shot after him as he turned the corner. “Hey!”

Cardan waved behind him and kept walking. Jude kept after him until she was well-paced in front of him and came to a stop, forcing him to do the same.

“Hi,” Cardan said lamely.

“Why’d you leave with my stuff?”

“So I knew you’d come with me.”

“And you couldn't have just _asked?_ ”

“Would you have said ‘yes’? Besides, I call this insurance.”

“I call it theft.”

“Same thing,” Cardan said, grabbing her shoulders and gently turning her to face the same direction. He kept walking.

“Where are we going?” Jude said.

Cardan didn’t answer, much to Jude’s annoyment. When he reached the street corner, he stopped again. This time, in front of a pizza place.

“I’m going to imagine you’re hungry,” Cardan said, still looking at the pizza place.

“And what if I said I wasn’t?”

“Then I give you your bag back and we can part ways if you’d like.”

“What if I am hungry but I want to part ways anyways?”

“Then I give you your bag back and I leave you alone.”

“That simple, huh?” Jude said, crossing her arms. None of this was very Cardan-like. So, instead of just accepting it as a nice gesture, she looked for the loop.

“Yes. That simple.” He said. “Now, do you want to go in with me or not?”

The inside of the pizza place was clean and well kept. After her adventure in the small clothing store, it wasn’t exactly what she was expecting. Cardan asked her what she wanted to drink and then sat her bag down at a table in the corner. Jude went and sat with it, completely unsure of what to do with herself. She could count on one hand the number of times she’d been in a situation like this. Actually, she could count it on both her hands, because the answer was still zero.

When Cardan came back to sit with her in the corner, unknowing what else to do or how else this was supposed to work, she asked, “How much was it?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. Also not helpful. Suddenly, Jude could see why he and Vivi were friends.

“That’s not helpful.”

“I’m aware. I’m not trying to be.”

“Do you know how to be?”

“Depends, do you still want to drown your sorrows in bags of chips?” He said, glancing at his phone for the time.

“ _No,_ ” Jude said, voice just barely above a whisper and still somehow like a groan.

“Do you like your new dress?” Where was this going?

“What’s the point of all this? Are you trying to build me up to break me down or something? Because it’s not that easy. You’ll have to try a lot harder than this.” She wasn’t entirely sure why she was so defensive all of a sudden, but she had two default functions. Smile through it, or punch someone in the face. Jude had a tendency to go for the verbal version of the latter.

“No, I’m not trying to break you--”

“But you said--”

“No, I said ‘ _what makes you so sure it’s not just because I want to be the one to break you?_ ’” Cardan said, holding up a finger to emphasize his point.

Jude was about to protest when a server came by and placed their drinks in front of them. She settled for glaring at Cardan across the table. Her gaze broke away from him when the server placed a medium pizza in between them. Jude felt her stomach grumble and wasn’t quite sure if anyone else had heard it. She scowled at Cardan anyways.

None of it made sense, though. What were his motives? What could he possibly gain?

“What is all this?” Jude said, gesturing widely to the table in between them and the new dress she was wearing.

“It’s a pizza,” Cardan said, taking a slice for himself.

Was annoyance an acceptable reason for murder?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quarantine has given me reasons to write and the energy to do it and i am Living


	7. Chapter 7

As it turns out, there were good reasons to keep Cardan around, few as they may be. Jude has received notes she’d missed, hadn’t suffocated herself in chips, and had _fun_ with him. 

But, no matter how hard Jude pushed, she couldn’t get a reason out of Cardan. Couldn’t figure out why he was doing what he was doing, or what he wanted from her in return. Maybe she was working the wrong angle. 

“So,” she started. 

“So?” Cardan replied, taking a sip of his drink. 

“Why?”

Cardan raised a single brow, weaving his fingers together and folding his hands under his chin. “‘Why,’ what?”

“Why do all this? Why do you care?”

“You already asked that.” Cardan checked his phone for the time again, then pocketed it. 

“And you didn’t answer.”

“Oh, no,” he took his free hand and folded it back under his chin. With his other, he made gestures in the air to emphasize his point. “See, I gave you an answer, it just wasn’t the one you wanted.”

Jude furrowed her eyebrows, wondering when she’d wake up from this strange dream. Wondering if she’d like where she woke up. 

“What is it, then?”

Jude watched Cardan’s eyebrows knit together, curious as to how he would evade the question this time. “I’m confused.”

“Exactly what is it you want in return? You wouldn’t do all this if there wasn’t something you wanted.” 

“You know, _sometimes_ , people do things just to be nice. I don’t know if you’ve heard, it seems you’re often off in your own world.” Something like a smile played at Cardan’s lips. It only widened when he noticed Jude’s noticing. His teeth flashed, and Jude half expected them to meet at points. 

She rolled her eyes, scoffed, and was about to change the subject. 

“What’s in it?” Cardan said, dismissing her thoughts of subject change. 

“What are you talking about?” He’d lost her. 

“Your world, what’s in it? It must be pretty interesting if you want to live there instead of anywhere here.”

“My world?” How was she supposed to answer that? It wasn’t like she _actually_ had a little world that she could go off and live in. But if she could… “Uhm, well, for starters, people aren’t always rude to everyone who gives them a dirty look—“

“Right, because you have so much room to speak.” His voice was playful in a way Jude hadn’t anticipated. She was also fairly certain she’d eaten something poor; her stomach had turned upside down. Maybe Cardan had poisoned her. 

She shot him a glance. “When I go home, my sister’s aren’t bickering, with me or the other. When I go home, Vivi isn’t fighting with Madoc. When I go home, I don’t go to the place I live. I don’t go back to Madoc and Oriana,” Cardan cocked his head slightly, now visibly interested in what she had to say.

“When I go home, my mom meets me at the door and wraps me up in a big hug. I can smell her perfume, and I can feel her hair brush against my skin. When I go home, I can smell fresh cut grass, and I can hear kids playing tag in the street. When I go home, I go _home_.”

Cardan nodded slightly, as if in understanding. But what could he understand? His parents weren’t dead. Jude hadn’t realized she looked away. She forced herself to look up at him again, forced herself against every part of her screaming to hide under the table or run out the door. They looked at each other for a minute, some kind of understanding passing between them. Something that neither of them were quite sure when was forged, or how they hadn’t noticed, but something that neither of them quite knew how to have. 

Cardan dropped his gaze, feeling a heat burn in his cheeks. He took another sip of his drink, hoping it would dissipate. 

“Well, if it makes you feel _any_ better, I—”

The bell at the door rang, someone else had come in. It would’ve hardly mattered, if it wasn’t her sister that had walked through the door. Taryn, her sister who had ditched her at lunch. Taryn, who had ignored her for most of the day. Taryn, who was now running into her in town as if nothing had ever happened. What was worse, was that she was hanging off Locke’s arm. Perhaps that was the reason she hadn’t seen Taryn at school, hadn’t heard from her. Perhaps Taryn had played her for a fool.

Jude felt her hands ball into fists under the table, and when Cardan noticed her rigid posture, he turned around. Turning back, hoping for clarification but knowing better to push, was he met with a Jude who had her head in her hands. A Jude who wasn’t expelling her anger. A Jude who wasn’t going to start a fight. Something wasn’t right. 

She waited with her head down. She waited for someone to say something, and when no one did, she felt like she was going to burst. Jude felt her cheeks heat, and when she wrote it off as anger, she scrunched up her face to convince herself. She rested her chin on her fist and looked at Cardan. He was scribbling something down. She couldn’t tell what it was, and as much as she wanted to ask, she didn’t have the energy to make the effort. 

She stared off into the distance, unwilling to move. She wanted to scream at her sister. To scream and yell and let her have it. But she didn’t want a war. And if she fought about it with her, she would get one. Cardan waved a gentle hand in front of her eyes and she snapped back into reality. “Are you alright?” He said. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jude said, hoping to change the subject to something, _anything_ else. Cardan glanced between Jude and her sister, who was laughing obliviously on the other side of the restaurant, and then again between her and Locke. It didn’t take long for him to put the pieces together. 

“Locke stood you up?”

“Huh?” Did she hear him right? How could he have known? Or, worse, did he know from the start?

“Locke stood you up.” Not a question this time. 

“What makes you think—” Jude said. 

“You look like you want to deck your sister. She comes in with a date and you said yours stood you up. It wasn’t too hard to put the rest together.” He said it so matter of factly, and if Jude hadn't already known the truth, he might’ve convinced her. 

Jude groaned and splayed a hand across the bridge of her nose, obscuring her eyesight. She felt tiny. Very, very tiny. Of all the things that could go wrong, and of all the times it could, it had to be this, now. Chips were suddenly sounding very good again, Jude decided. “What’s it matter? It was stupid anyways.”

“Yes, he is indeed very stupid.” That wasn’t what she said. 

Jude removed her hand and raised a single brow. Cardan shrugged. “He is.” He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“And why is that?” Angles. 

“Why would he stand you up? Why go through all that effort? It doesn’t make sense. Besides, he passed up something great, anyways.” Where was this going? Did she want to know?

“‘Something great?’” 

“Listen, if you pay attention, you’ll notice he’s not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.”

“And why is that? Are you speaking from experience? _Did he stand you up too?_ ” Jude felt her voice grow hot, and she didn’t care enough to stop it. 

Cardan chuckled. “Nah, Locke hasn’t seduced me. Yet. I wouldn’t suspect that it is never to happen, though. He has a habit of buying new toys and then breaking the old ones.”

“Yeah, sorry, all I gathered from that is that you’re pining over Locke,” Jude said, feeling herself return. 

“Locke? No, not my type. Not into redheads.”

Jude smiled. “Oh, redheads, is it?” Cardan smiled, too. 

For the first time, Jude was very, very displeased with how empty the restaurant was. With how she could hear her sister’s laughter without paying attention. Had her laugh always been that grating? 

It would be an understatement to say that Jude was angry, but the disappointment she held grew with it. She was angry with Locke for messing with her. Angry with Taryn for letting him. But, most of all, Jude was angry with herself; angry for letting Locke push her around, angry for letting Taryn take what she wanted from her, angry for letting it go on this long without a single word.

“Jude?” Cardan said cautiously, promptly dragging her out of her thoughts. “Do you want to leave?” Jude looked up at him, there was something unreadable in his eyes, a look Jude didn’t know how to decipher. She wasn’t sure she wanted to, either. 

“Leave? What happened to the whole ‘sticking it to him,’ thing?” Jude said, jabbing a thumb in his direction.

“Well,” he said, drawing it out just a bit too long. “Obviously this is totally your call, but I didn’t think you’d want to sit here and feel miserable. Sticking it to him is one thing, but if you’re not feeling any better while doing it, then there’s not really a point to it, now, is it?”

Jude sat and considered what he said for a minute, then hummed. “You know, you seemed to put all those pieces together pretty quickly. How do I know you didn’t lead me here just to embarrass me? Because I’d have to hand it to you, that’d be pretty crafty. Him asking me out and then standing me up, you _finding_ me out on the streets and leading me here,” Jude made quotes with her fingers, her anger coming to fruition. “And then, what a twist. He shows up with my sister on his arm and everyone here gets to laugh at the stupid, foolish girl who said ‘yes.’”

Jude had registered that she was getting louder, her anger more prominent in her voice. She was sure there had to have been something she should be furious with him about. He was cruel and sadistic and mean, wasn’t he? 

“Quite clever of you, really. I have to hand it to you, you really had me going.” Jude sighed, picking up her phone to text Madoc. _Come get me_ , she typed. _I’m in the square._

“ _Jude?_ ” Oh, great. Jude looked up from her phone to find her sister standing a few feet away. A fair distance, but still rather close, considering the circumstances. “What are you doing here?” She wasn’t serious, was she?

“What am _I_ doing here? Why does everyone keep asking that?” Jude said, standing abruptly. She stepped away from the table, setting her phone down in one swift motion and leaving it long forgotten and unlocked on the table behind her. “What did I do to you? What’s your malfunction? Why go through all this trouble?”

“Jude, you don’t understand!” Taryn said, her hands pleading.

“Then make me understand!” Jude stepped into Taryn’s space, all formalities of public opinion discarded. “Why would you do all this? What could you possibly gain?” 

Taryn’s mouthed opened, presuming answer, and then closed. Behind her, Locke watched the sisters with a look of amusement, something teasing and cruel. “I just wanted...” She said.

“‘Just wanted,’ what? Because honestly, I don’t care what you want. You always get it. You always get what you want, because I always give it to you. What more can you take? I’m done handing things over, so if you’re trying to embarrass me, or humiliate me, you’re going to have to try a lot harder.” But, behind Jude, Cardan sat unamused, typing into a phone. Whatever he was doing, he seemed completely absorbed in it.

“I wasn’t trying to take anything from you,” Taryn said, giving up on pulling sympathy from Jude. She was angry, too. Angry at Jude for thinking she was selfish, that she only took from her. Angry that Jude was angry. Angry, angry, angry.

“Is that so? Because it’s awfully coincidental. Being stood up, running into you here. Anything else you’d like to throw into the wind while we’re at it? Because everything’s coming back down now.” Jude crossed her arms.

“It was never supposed to go this far! He said—“

“Woah, woah, woah. ‘He’ said? So, you planned this?”

“I didn’t plan anything.”

“But you knew about it. Whether or not you planned it, you were an accomplice in it. You were in on it, you let it happen. You let him do this.”

“I didn’t let him do anything! I asked him not to.” She said, taking a step back and raising her hands defensively.

“You asked him not to? If you were so set on not letting this happen, why wouldn’t you just tell me about it?”

“Because he made me promise. He said if I let him ask you out to prove my loyalty, to let him do this without telling you, that he’d go out with me. That he’d love me.”

“Well, was it worth it? Do all your promises make you feel better? Because if you’re trying to prove your loyalty, you’ve proved it in all the worst ways.” Jude glanced at Locke, sitting and watching the argument. Watching the chaos he stirred. “You two deserve each other,” Jude said, stepping back from Taryn and turning to the table. 

Jude swung her bag over her shoulder and pushed out the door. “Jude, wait!” Someone called out from behind her. She didn’t care enough to stop. She’d texted Madoc, he’d meet her in the square. He’d pick her up and take her home. And if anything could get worse, she had sheets to crawl under and a weekend to sort it out.

Someone caught her shoulder, and against her better judgement, she stopped. “You forgot this,” they said. Jude turned, almost turning into Cardan. Cardan, whose arm was outstretched holding her phone. Cardan who had jogged down the street to catch up with her and her angry pace. Jude glanced between him and her phone and glared at the restaurant. 

She mumbled a thanks and shoved it into her back pocket. “Shouldn’t you be back with your friends? I’m sure they’re busy laughing without you. You might want to get back to that before you miss the next unfortunate soul of a punchline.”

His face scrunched up when she said _friends_ , as if it was insulting to even consider them that to him. He brushed it off. “Do you have a ride home?”

“Yes,” She said, turning back and continuing her storm on the sidewalk. Cardan stood there for a minute, at a loss as to if he should’ve gone after her. She was upset, that much was clear. She was also angry with him, which should’ve been much more surprising than it was, considering the adventure they’d gone on. But then, Cardan supposed, that was exactly why she thought that. 

When Jude got home, she set her bookbag down with more force than she intended and flopped down on her bed. Her covers flew up under her weight and landed loosely around her bed frame. Jude buried the side of her face into a pillow and gazed at the door, wondering why she’d ever agreed to such nonsense. And then, she noticed something she’d completely forgotten about amongst the madness.

_Don’t open it until you get home._

Jude slipped off her bed and sat in front of the bag on her knees, finding difficulty in deciding whether or not she wanted to open it, to know what it was.

She decided, rather compulsively, that she had nothing left to lose. Tearing open the bag, she found the jean jacket Cardan had held onto earlier that day, neatly folded in the bottom of the bag. She lifted it up and discovered that there was something she hadn’t noticed about it before. Or maybe, it was because it hadn’t been there then.

On the back, a sunflower had been sewn into the center, it’s vines wrapping down around the sleeves. There were hundreds of spools of thread on the back wall of the shop, and several sewing machines. But this would’ve had to have taken hours for someone to complete, not just a few minutes. Maybe she was in the changing room longer than she thought. 

Nonetheless, Jude slipped the jacket over her new dress and stood in front of her vanity, finding it’s adorning sunflowers to match in ways she hadn’t anticipated. For the colours to compliment her skin, for the hair that framed her face to fall around her shoulders so neatly, even in its mess. 

Jude’s phone pinged, snapping her out of her thoughts.

_Hey._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> akkajsks its a day late, but it’s here :)


	8. Chapter 8

_ Hey. _

_ Hey? _ Really?

Jude felt her stomach flip, this wasn’t how this was supposed to happen. This wasn’t how any of this was supposed to happen.

It was just a wrong number, she decided. 

_ Hi? _ She typed, then erased. She had to have drafted at least three other messages, all of them staring back at her. Jude twisted her ring around her finger, slipped it on and off before she ultimately decided it would be better to just let it go. She’d made to delete the message twice, both times ending with the same result. There was something about it she couldn’t place, something that made her want to frame it to her wall, just so she could have it. Which was weird, because it was just a text from a wrong number. 

Jude turned and felt her dress twirl around her. She’d found herself at the end of her room, realized she’d been pacing, and sat down on the floor in front of her bed, tossing her phone behind her. She crossed her legs as her fingers found the hem of her dress, running them over the careful stitches that lined the inside.

There was something wrong, Jude figured, with the way Cardan had been acting. There was something he wasn’t telling her, something that would inevitably catch her by the throat and steal the breath from her chest. 

It would be an understatement to say that Jude had questions, they built like a mound of sour laundry. Some of them felt just as awful, just as dirty. There was something dreadful that lingered under her skin, the questions a distressing itch. They were like an itch she couldn’t shake, something deep under her skin, something buried in her bones. It was something that made her poke and prod at the surface, never hard enough to draw blood, never deep enough to quench her curiosity. And though she saved herself from infection, she was also lost to her inquisitive side; a victim of a plague that ran rampant in her mind, burning away thoughts and leaving only her budding questions. A plague that spread like a fever and a sickness that never really left. A plague that provided her fingers the will to itch, and the incapability to act on it.

Jude buried her head in her hands, pinched the bridge of her nose. Maybe if she just--

“Hey, Jude. Madoc told me to tell you dinner’s ready.” Vivi said, poking her head through the door.

Jude looked up at her, resting her chin on the palm of her hand. “I’m not hungry.” Vivi took one long look at Jude and slipped inside her room, closing the door behind her. “What are you doing?”

“Sitting down,” she said, resting beside Jude with a thud. No one said anything and for a moment, Jude didn’t think anyone would. “I like your dress. Is it new?” 

She felt herself nod, not looking Vivi in the eye. Vivi hummed and glanced around the room before her eyes landed on the shopping bag Jude had carried. She looked at her hands, smiling to herself before standing. “Well, then,” Vivi said. “I must say:  _ someone  _ has very good taste.” Vivi gestured to her dress with one hand, turning to leave. As Vivi turned to close the door behind her, she cast one final glance at Jude. Jude, who now rested her chin on both palms, balanced on her knees. Jude, who was wearing a dress that she hadn’t owned yesterday. Jude, whose cheeks had tinted similarly to ripe watermelon.

Vivi closed the door, her back turned to Jude’s room. She glanced at the floor, and then the ceiling. Gods, this was going to be interesting.

The weekend was sluggish, with its contents lacking. There wasn’t a single thing that seemed to interest Jude. On the days Jude found herself at the dinner table, Taryn wasn’t there. She wasn’t entirely sure if Taryn was coming to dinner anymore at all, but there was no way she could ask, not without speaking directly to her. If she’d asked Oriana, she’d be given a comment about how she should be asking her sister instead. If she asked Oak, it’s likely he’d tell Taryn she asked. And if she asked Madoc, he would ask her why she wanted to know. Madoc would ask the difficult questions, even if he already had the answers.

On Monday morning, Jude snatched a piece of toast off the table, much to Oriana’s annoyment. She ruffled Oak’s hair before swinging her book bag over her shoulder and skipping out the door. Taryn sat in the passenger seat of Madoc’s car, face illuminated by her phone screen. Jude clambered into the backseat, tossing her bag beside her. Silence festered in the car between them, neither spoke a word to the other.

Jude had a test in her second period class that she’d completely forgotten about, deciding to blame it on Cardan’s shenanigans, even if he did help in the end. And, loathe as she was to admit it, she looked forward to her next class.

Walking into her chemistry class, Jude handed in the assignment she roughly remembered finishing, setting it on the counter in the front of the room. She took her seat, resting her chin on the palm of her hand. Jude frowned, telling herself that she didn’t want to see him. Pulling out her notes, Jude’s attention pulled to the flower doodled in the corner, it’s thick ink heavy with an emotion she couldn’t place. The bell rang, the seat next to her empty; Cardan wasn’t here.

At lunch, Taryn didn’t sit with Jude, who was currently dumping the contents of her backpack onto the table as she searched for spare change to put into the vending machines. She patted down her pockets, hoping to find a couple of quarters. Instead, her hand landed on her phone. Jude pulled it out of her pocket before she could change her mind. The message from the wrong number stared up at her, taunting her with its single-worded remark. It bore into her brain, it’s feverish sickness rooting itself deep inside her. It wasn’t a wrong number, and Jude knew it. How he got her number, she didn’t know. She wasn’t sure she wanted to.

_ Did I scare you off? _ She typed, hitting send before she thought better of it. The reply was almost immediate, startling Jude out of the hunger she felt from her poor, toast breakfast and lack of lunch.

**You? Scare me? Not at all.**

If she wasn’t sure who it was before, she was certain now.  _ But really, why are you skipping? _

He didn’t answer that time, and Jude knew it wasn’t because he was busy. He wasn’t answering because he didn’t want to tell her the truth.

_ Meet me at the pizza place. Don’t be late, I won’t wait. _

Jude didn’t wait for a response. She swept all her stuff back into her bag with one arm and swung it over her shoulder as she walked out of the school’s commons.

Pushing open the heavy office doors, Jude signed herself out, scrawling  _ doctor’s appointment _ under the reason for absence and waved at the secretary as she left. She shot Madoc a text, telling him not to pick her up after school. She didn’t want to share another car ride with Taryn anyways.

Stepping outside, she immediately regretted her decision of skipping, even if she’d considered it a good reason -- she was leaving to get food. At the pizza place. Anyone else who showed up would’ve been completely coincidental.

Jude threw her weight into opening the door, leaning her body into the motion. The cool air conditioning of the pizza place created some sort of haven. Cardan sat in the same seat he had the last time she saw him here, his arm draped over the back of the chair. He typed out a message on his phone, then deleted it.

Taking a chair and flipping it backwards, Jude took a seat directly across from Cardan. “Why are you ditching?” She asked, before she could change it to a topic she didn’t care about. Really, she wasn’t so sure why she cared about this one.

“You’re ditching too, Jude dear.” Cardan set his phone down on the table in front of him. Jude crossed her arms across her chest, glancing back at the menu board behind her.

“I was hungry,” she said dryly. Her bag slid off her arm, landing with a solid thud beside her. “Why haven’t you been coming to class? You’re clearly not busy.”

“Why do you care?” Cardan said, a sudden heat in his voice.

Jude’s eyebrows knitted together, her own anger coiling inside her chest. “Why should I? You’ve only ever been mean to me.”

Cardan stood. “Exactly. So tell me why you’ve stuck around this long?”

Jude stood too, knowing that she wouldn’t meet his eye level, but deciding it was better than sitting down. “You tell me why you made the effort.”

“I don’t know!” He shouted, sudden shock on his face at his volume. “I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. Go back to hating me, would you?” Cardan turned on his heel, pocketing his phone and pushing out the door. Jude grabbed her bag and jogged after him, stepping out into the heat and nearly regretting the notion. He’d shut down, and Jude thought she should feel triumphant about that; especially it being at her hand. She didn’t.

She followed him down an alleyway, one she was sure he didn’t think she knew to take. Rounding the corner, she found him leaning against the wall of a building, tucked just around the side. “What makes you think I hate you?” _ You do hate him _ , she told herself.  _ You do. You did.  _

Cardan raised a brow, not expecting to find her here, having followed him down an alley. He should’ve. He took quick strides to meet where she stood and took her by the shoulders. “Quit poking your nose in things, you won’t like what you find.” Letting go of her shoulders, he slipped past her and cast a single glance behind him, silently motioning for her to follow. 

Jude turned briskly, almost jogging to catch up with him. “What was that about? If you wanted me to leave you alone, why did you want me to follow you?” 

“Didn’t want to leave you alone in an alley. You’re more than welcome to leave me alone now, though,” Cardan said, almost forcing himself not to take quicker strides.

Jude snorted. “Should I thank you for your chivalry? Maybe I can pay you back in not decking you for your dodges.”

He groaned softly, coming to a sudden stop and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Look, I just,” he starts. “I can’t tell you, alright? I just can’t. Now please, leave me alone.” Cardan’s expression was unreadable, and she feared she looked up at him for a moment too long, his gaze meeting hers. 

Jude stood there for a minute, silently contemplating her next move. Her feet moved on their own accord, walking past him and heading back towards the school. “Okay,” she muttered, not bothering to find out if he’d heard her.

Almost a week passed. Cardan resumed his classes two days after their last encounter, and still, he refused to speak to her. On Friday, he scribbled down a question on a scrap of notebook paper, the tips of his letters curling in the dark ink. Jude flipped it over, scrawling out an answer as quickly as she could, typically answering questions different than the ones he asked.

Later that day, Vivi slipped into Jude’s room unannounced. Jude was, to say the least, not prepared for her sister’s visit. She was more than happy to eat away any feelings she had left, more than happy to pick a fight with her bedroom wall. But Vivi wouldn’t have let that happen. 

Vivi was the kind of person that wouldn’t let you feel depressed, even if you needed to. She was the kind of person that would remind you of all the good things, tell you silly jokes with a face surprisingly straight for someone who couldn’t bluff. And still, if none of that worked, she’d spin you on your toes until you giggled, until you couldn’t tell up from down and couldn’t remember why you were sad to begin with.

Jude wished her sister would let her drown her feelings away, even though she knew she wouldn’t.

“Cardan started messaging me again.” She said, plopping down on Jude’s bed. Jude sat at her vanity, organizing her school folders as she continued to search for more tasks that would occupy her hands.

“Good for you?” 

Vivi rolled her eyes, lying down against the soft, quilted bedspread. “It’s almost like he’s a person again. I don’t know what you did, but it’s like he’s waking up. It’s like he’s coming back to life.” Jude glanced at the pocket knife on her desk, then up at Vivi, who was not paying the least bit of attention to her or her weapons.

Jude heard a laugh pass her doorway, one she didn’t immediately recognize. Locke. Her face scrunched up in disgust, the expression written plainly across every feature. 

“He stopped talking to you, didn’t he?” Vivi asked, resting her weight on her elbows as she sat up. Jude glanced at her, then returned her attention to the all pointless tasks she could find. Apparently, her not-answer spoke for her.

“Try again.” She said, standing. Vivi walked back to the doorway, her expression almost mirroring the one she wore when mentioning the girl she met at the comic book shop a few weeks ago. Vivi opened the door and spoke. “Give him a chance.” She closed the door behind her.

Jude shoved her folders into her bookbag.

She unlocked her phone, opened her text messages, and typed out a message.  _ Hey, Asshole, _ she typed, then erased.  _ If you decide to stop being a dick, _ she erased that one, too, then typed it again. 

_ If you decide to stop being a dick tomorrow afternoon, meet me on the corner by the cafe on 30th. _

That would have to work, she decided. She’d already sent the message anyways. 

The next day, sunlight shone through her curtains. Saturday afternoon heat beating in on her, forcing her to throw off her covers. She chanced a look at the time, it was later than she thought. It was already 11:30, and she’d said afternoon. Again, Jude silently cursed herself for not pre-arranging a time. 

As if reading her mind, her phone pinged. 

**Noon work for you?**

_ Yes. _

Jude stretched, stalking over to her closet. She found herself in black skinny jeans, its rose patches climbing up the sides of her legs, and a pink shirt, the sleeves comprised entirely of thin, pink lace. Jude slipped on her converse and left out the back door, walking around the side of the house and out the front-drive. She sent Madoc a text telling him she was going out. He replied almost immediately, making her promise to let him know if she needed a ride home.

There, at the corner of 30th, stood Cardan Greenbriar in his supposedly casual attire. “So,” he said as she approached. “What are we doing?” He hoped she’d stop with the questions. Hoped she’d found something that worked as a distraction for both of them.

“I don’t care. I just needed out of the house before I murdered someone,” she admitted, shooting Cardan a glance in warning. The corner of his lips perked up, and Jude pretended not to notice.

“Wait here for a moment,” he said, dashing around the corner before she could protest. 

He rounds the corner again, answering her question before she could ask it. “Movie theatre. It’s closed, though.”

She hummed in response, her tongue getting the better of her. “Why can’t you tell me?”

“Huh?”

“You said you couldn’t tell me. That’s fine. But at least tell me why you can’t.” Jude said, looping her fingers together in front of her before folding them into her pockets.

Cardan cleared his throat, a contemplative look crossing his features ever-so-briefly. “I just can’t, alright?”

“Are you like, running from the cops?” She was only half-joking. Cardan chuckled, a  _ no  _ hidden in between them somewhere. Jude laughs, too.

For a moment, it’s almost like they’re old friends. The laughter dies out slowly, Cardan spacing out in front of her. She calls his name once, twice. He hums, only half with her.

Abruptly, Jude realized that this was somehow much, much worse than the hatred-filled stares he’d send her way. The ones that would make her stomach churn and send heated anger crawling up her neck. Jude’s hands curled into fists at her sides.

“Should I stop asking?”

Cardan doesn’t answer, and Jude knows it’s the only response she’ll get.

She glances around them, checking the time. “Just, one more question.” Cardan looks at her, his eyes glassy.

“Do you like to paint?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so glad to have this out,, it’s been sitting in my drafts for a minute.  
> this story’s coming to a close, are you ready?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW: _Soft mentions of abuse_**  
>  y'all, it's not a descriptive discussion, but _please_ don't read this chapter if this could be triggering for you.

_ “Do you like to paint?” _

The inside of the building smelled like coffee beans and drying acrylics, the air cool and damp. The bell chimed as Jude pressed against the weight of the door. 

Someone behind the counter waved as she held the door open with her foot. Cardan waved back.

He took in his surroundings all at once, nearly floored with the blank pottery that lined the shelves, the cabinets of paint along the back of the small shop, and the small coffee bar against the wall. Jude glanced along the shelves as she passed and occasionally stopped to pick something up. Clearing one wall, Jude returned to Cardan with empty hands, shoving them in her pockets. He looked perplexed as he crossed his arms against his chest. 

Something like amusement danced in Jude’s eyes as she spoke. “Well?” She mirrored his posture. “Pick something out.” She gestured to the long walls, the tables on the floor mimicking a café. 

Jude picked out a mug and set it down on the table before leaning against it and pulling out her phone. “Now what?” His voice broke the staring contest she held with her screen. She tilted her head slightly, her gaze remaining fixated on him until the cabinets were in view. Cardan followed her line of sight. “Oh.”

He turned on his heel and walked towards the cabinets, weaving his way through the oddly spaced tables and tucking his hands in his pockets. The corner of Jude’s lips quirked slightly as she watched him twist through the strange path he chose — she was half certain he had meant to look as ridiculous as he did.

They returned with three bottles of paint each, Jude’s being shades of various greens, and Cardan’s, blues. They sat them down haphazardly, several soft  _ thumps _ rattling the table. There were two mugs centered on the table they picked, one half-full of murky paint water, the other stocked with paintbrushes.

Without thinking, Jude smacked Cardan’s arm with the back of her hand, promptly fixing his attention on her. “I’ll give you five bucks if you drink that,” she said, looking at the paint water. Cardan shook his head, smiling, and sat down. “Coward.”

They poured the paint onto a pallet in between them as the soft background music played through the speakers. And, for a while, it’s just that. Any conversation they shared was unfiltered; the words tumbling out of their mouths before they knew what they were doing. That’s how Jude wound up telling Cardan about the time she fell off the roof of her house when she lived with her parents. 

“Why were you even on the roof to begin with?” Cardan sat the brush down in the paint-water mug, his brows furrowing as he looked up at her. 

“It was a dare,” she said, scrunching up her nose and shrugging her shoulders lightly. “My parents only found out because Taryn screamed.”

“You didn’t?”

Jude brought her attention back down to the mug she was painting. “No. I don’t even really remember it all that well, but Vivi swears up and down that I just walked inside like it was another Tuesday afternoon.” 

Cardan shook his head, an almost-smile tracing his lips; it’s both more and less than that. “You’re unbelievable.”

She shrugged. “Maybe, but if I hadn’t have broken my arm, I’d have never been able to do this,” Jude said, picking up a pen. With her non-dominant hand, she scribbled something on a napkin, then did it again with her other hand. She turned the napkin around so Cardan could read it and pushed the pen back into the mug with the paintbrushes. Her soft writing differed greatly from each line. He might not have believed that she wrote both lines had he not seen her do it. 

Both writings were neat, though the characteristics of each letter were drastically different; it looked like they were written from two separate people’s hands.

_ I hope you step on a Lego. _

“That so?” He asked as Jude hummed in response. He watched her fold her hands under her chin, raising a single brow. “Then what does that make of you?”

“Good at comebacks?” Cardan chuckled as he braced his temples with his fingertips and rested his elbows on the table. 

His laughter died out slowly as a deafening silence settled over them. Cardan pressed his fingertips into his temples harder, as if trying to push a headache away. “You asked me, earlier,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “If you should stop asking.” Jude looked up at him and found his steady gaze meeting the table. “I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t. I don’t really know why, either.” He lifted his fingers from his temples and folded them in front of him.

Jude’s stomach knotted as dread weighed down on her shoulders. She set the paintbrush she held down and opened her mouth to speak as she slowly found herself at a loss for words. “Cardan.” He didn’t look at her. Couldn’t  — wouldn’t  — he just didn’t.

“Do you feel safe at home?” Did… did she want to know?

Cardan silently cursed himself for bringing it up, for getting himself into this conversation. “What are you, the school counselor?” He asked through a soft chuckle, and, forcing a smile, he finally looked up at her. He watched as her eyes roamed his face, his posture. He watched as her gaze pierced through him. As she read everything he was.

She was quiet as she waited for his answer. As she tried to ignore the dread pooling in the bottom of her stomach. Cardan was quiet, too.

Jude stood, picking up her paintbrush and setting it in the mug gently. He heard her steps fade away as he buried his head in his hands.  _ All you ever do is  _ _ drive people away. _

One of Cardan’s hands threaded through his hair as he cursed himself, pulling at his scalp as the other hand raked down his face and pinched the bridge of his nose.

There was a soft clink as someone sat something down in front of him, the smell of honeyed vanilla drowning out his other senses. “It’s one of my favourite blends of chamomile tea,” Jude said, nudging it towards him with her knuckles. “It’ll help.” She sat back down in her place across from him. Cardan exchanged glances between her and the concoction she sat in front of him. “It’s hot though, so you might want to wait a minute before you—”

He sipped from the mug of steaming tea, doing his best to hide the scrunch of his nose as it scalded his throat. 

Cardan set the mug down much more gently than Jude would have suspected, his brows drawing together as he fought to keep a neutral expression. His eyes watered, though it being from pain or stress, he wasn’t sure. He swiped at his eyes forcefully with his fist.

She tapped on his shoulder this time, paper cup in hand. When had she gotten up again?  “Here. This one’s not hot.” The tone of her voice wasn’t unkind as she handed it to him.

“What is it?” His fingers brushed against hers as the fight to keep his neutral expression rose again.

Jude sipped at the tea as he’d sat down. “Irish soda.” Cardan took a tentative drink as he held the straw in place. He took a final glance at the cup in his hands and raised a brow in Jude’s direction.

A strange, comfortable silence blanketed them, and neither intended to break it. Jude reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone and a pair of earbuds. She plugged them in and sat the phone down between them, offering Cardan an earbud with one hand and gesturing for him to choose a song with the other.

He scrolled through her playlists as Jude pretended that she wasn’t exposed by revealing her music to him. She also pretended that she wasn’t surprised by the choice he made.

_ Midnight, gettin’ uptight, where are you? _

They went back to painting their mugs, each trying to ignore the stretch of the earbuds that forced them both to lean forward.

_ You said you’d meet me, now it’s quarter to two _

As they finished, they sat and rinsed out each of the brushes they’d used and shaped the bristles back into place slowly, taking all the time in the world.

_ I know I’m hangin’ but I’m still wantin’ you _

Jude collected the paper towels they used to wipe off excess paint, crumbled them into a big ball, and placed it by the edge of the table with the rest of her things. 

_ Hey Jack, it’s a fact they’re talkin’ in town _

She filled out the card with their contact information for when their mugs were finished as she looked between their handiwork.

_ I turn my back and you’re messin’ around _

Cardan’s mug had deep forest greens fading into lighter blues.

_ I’m not really jealous, don’t like lookin’ like a clown _

Jude’s was full of dark blues fading into darker greens.

_ I think of you ev’ry night and day _

They stood together, earbuds still in place as they collected their things and headed for the door after leaving money on the table to pay the bill.

_ You took my heart then you took my pride away _

And went their separate ways wordlessly. 

_ I hate myself for loving you.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this next chapter, it just -- yeah :,)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TW:** soft descriptions of a **panic attack** at the end

Jude startled at the sudden chime of her phone. The afternoon sun shone fiercely through the window as she sat up, shielding her face from the blinding rays that crept through her curtains. How long had she slept in?

**Are you busy today?**

She almost wished she was.

_No._

Did she want to know what Cardan had in mind?

He gave her an address, telling her to meet him there in fifteen minutes. She contemplated leaving five minutes later. Instead, she pulled her new dress on, the one covered in sunflowers, and the jean jacket to match. And, she probably should have been at least a little bit skeptical. She probably should have plugged the address into Google Maps. Jude slipped on her shoes.

She heard someone jogging up behind her as she walked through town, their pace matching hers. Turning on her toes, Jude curled her fingers, preparing her fist to make contact with something hard. 

Cardan sprawled out on the sidewalk, clearly not expecting the greeting he was met with. “Oh!” She clasped her hands around his forearm and pulled him to his feet as he rubbed his jaw. He shot her a look, and he smiled. Even if he wouldn’t admit it.

He smacked her on the arm playfully as he twisted past her, muttering under his breath. “ _Jerk._ ”

Jude wasn’t sure how long they’d been walking down the street, only that it’d been too long. She groaned softly, tilted her head back, dragged her feet as she spoke. “Where are we _going?_ ” Cardan looked at her sideways as a soft grin plastered itself on his lips. It couldn’t have been ten seconds more before he came to a sudden stop. He rested a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Really?”

“Really.”

Cardan held the door for her, the headache-inducing colours of the floor inside already beating into her skull as the patterns seared into her brain. A bowling alley. It was a bowling alley. Of all of the places he could have brought her to, it was a—

They walked to one of the counters to get their shoes and took a place at the first table they saw. Cardan slipped his on and knotted them faster than Jude would have suspected before stalking off out of her line of sight. By the time she’d tied her own, he’d returned with a cup and straw in each hand. “You said you liked raspberry milkshakes yesterday, right?” _He remembered?_

Jude nodded, avoiding his eyes, and took the drink, holding the straw between her thumb and forefinger.

Four frames into their game proved that Cardan absolutely could not bowl for the life of him. He’d managed to strike seven pins down in all four frames combined, landing two balls in the gutter, and somehow managing to look decently proud of himself each time he turned around.

Sixth frame, no new points on his scorecard. Jude briefly wondered if he was intentionally missing, her attention flitting elsewhere. There was a loud crash and a louder thump that followed. Cardan created a new skylight, standing in front of the new hole in the floor he’d created just below it.

Several ceiling panels fell, the dust lifting around him like a halo. Hesitantly, he looked around, noticing that in response he’d also knocked down every other pin in all of the lanes. Every last one.

The entire building was silent as Cardan stepped over the debris and walked back to Jude and their scorecard. Jude, who sat there with a blank expression. Jude, who sat there, milkshake in hand, pretending to be completely unfazed by the amount of destruction he’d just caused. Jude, who tried to hide her smile behind her straw.

“I, uh,” Cardan slid the scorecard across the table, a lopsided smile spread across his lips. “I think that I won this game.”

Jude huffed. “And what makes you think that? Half the balls you threw went into the gutter.”

“Yeah, but I also knocked down every other pin in every other lane. That’s a lot of strikes. More than you scored, anyways.”

Jude snorted, catching Cardan off guard. Heat rose to his cheeks as he fumbled for the pencil that Jude tried to pull away from him through her laughter. “Let’s see,” he coughed. “That’s ten points for twenty-six strikes, racking in two-hundred and sixty-seven points. I win.”

She glanced over at the manager behind the bar counter, still gaping at the hole in the ceiling. “I don’t think so,” she said, watching the manager search through the patrons until locking on Cardan. He followed her gaze as he slowly slid the scorecard back. Jude tucked it into her dress pocket. Carefully, he worked up as neutral an expression as he could before trudging off to the counter and pulling out his wallet.

Jude tried to contain herself as she pulled out her phone to take pictures of the wreckage. She wasn’t sure how long she spent trying to reel herself in, as each glance at the pictures she took sent her back into a fit of laughter, only that it was long enough for Cardan to walk by muttering what she thought was ‘ _come on.’_

She followed him outside, snickering to herself because _he broke the bowling alley._ Jude swiped at her eyes with her thumb as he cast glances at her sideways. She hadn’t noticed the paper in his hands that he was unfolding in front of him. “I think I’ll get this framed.”

“Why would you do that?” She asked, trying to focus her teary-eyed-vision on the paper declaring his ban. 

He fidgeted with the paper in his hands. “So I can remember the time I broke a building to see you smile.”

Oh. 

_Oh._

Jude stared at the pavement in front of her as she walked, opening her mouth to speak, though no sounds escaped her. Cardan sucked in a breath and pulled her into an alleyway. “Listen, I—” he cut himself off. He buried his head in his hands as Jude rocked on the balls of her feet, waiting for him to gather himself.

Cardan looked up at her, his gaze piercing through everything she was. “ _I want to tell you so many lies._ ”

Jude raised her brows, nodding to herself as she looked down to her feet, something playing at the corners of her mouth. When he spoke again, she wasn’t sure she heard him correctly.

“Can I kiss you?”

She looked up at him, noting the question that burned back at her. No. She heard him correctly. 

She felt herself nod, rising onto the balls of her feet again without realizing it. Cardan’s arms snaked around her waist as he pulled her close, feeling her breath against his lips. She smelled like honey and watermelon and everything sweet in the world; and when he kissed her, he realized she tasted like it, too.

One of her hands wound through his hair as she pressed against him softly. Something blossomed in her chest as she wrapped her other arm around his shoulder. And, by the time she became aware of his hands again, they’d softly cupped her cheeks like she was the most precious thing in the world.

Cardan rested his forehead against hers as the sinking realization stole the breath from his lungs. He slid down the wall and brought his knees to his chest. _He’d kissed her. He kissed Jude._

She watched as his fingers raked through his hair when she sat down next to him, resting a gentle hand on his knee as the warmth of her fingers bloomed in his chest, the hope in her breath as she kissed him acting as fuel. But, if her kiss was fuel, then he was completely, utterly, in flames.

He felt her squeeze his knee gently, reminding him that she was there.

_How long had he been sitting here?_

Cardan crossed one of his arms across his knee and rested his chin atop it, staring blankly at the wall opposite them. “You panicked,” she said softly. Cardan nodded, more to himself.

Jude rested her head against the wall behind her, reluctantly bringing her hand back and placing it on the hot pavement between them.

She debated with herself on pulling her earbuds out again, but there was another question burning away inside her head, melting away everything else that was or could be.

“I know I said this earlier, but I have one last question.” Her voice was soft as she spoke to him, almost like she feared that if she spoke too loud, she’d scare him away.

_Whatever she wanted to ask, it couldn’t be good; she’d already picked him apart, what else of him was there to see? If she was going to bring up_ that _conversation, it definitely couldn’t be good. Did she have to do this now? Right after they—_

“Can we start over?” She looked up at him, a hopeful look in her eyes that he’d never seen before.

_Start over?_

She wasn’t pushing him away, he realized. The revelation sent shockwaves through his body, stunning him into silence. For a moment, Jude didn’t think he’d answer.

Cardan’s hand slid over to where Jude’s had sprawled out against the pavement, now cool beneath the weight of their hands, and weaved their fingers together.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

_[Fin]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we are, folks. nearly 26k words later, we enter the post-iwtysml era.  
> to be completely honest, i really never thought i was going to finish this. this is one of my biggest projects, and i’m incredibly proud of myself for finishing it.  
> beyond that, thank you all for going on this journey with me. i had a story to tell, and you all listened; thank you for taking a seat next to me on this roller coaster — i hope you’ll stick around for whatever we have in store next <3


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